Dancing With The Ghost In My Head

Death had only ever been something on the big screen, hell, who was he kidding, with Kamilla’s career it had been the small screen for as long as he’d been alive. A shadowy figure in the back of the sort of Vaseline tinted lenses they used on the shows filled with has beens and wannabes. A glint of a scythe or some other equally cheesy shit. Nobody talked about his little screw of middle men and women, about someone turning up when Death was meant to come to you to make an offer.

Come with me and you can live out your afterlife. Promise it’ll be somewhere better than this. When the reaper had come for him Kace hadn’t been sure which way he was headed. Wasn’t like he’d ever done any really shady shit. He hadn’t gone robbing banks or killing people, the biggest mistake of his life what had come right before the end and he was pretty damn sure unintentionally triggering your brother’s PTSD with an action movie and turning him into … something else … wasn’t a reason to go and get your ass roasted in hell for an eternity. It might’ve been somewhere better than he was, maybe even some endless day out on the surf, people like Bodhi there to ride the waves with him.

Wasn’t how it had gone though. Kace knew he never would’ve been able to walk away and leave Kit alone and broken the way he had been. He’d turned the reaper down, had stayed put, watching Kit’s buddy try and put him back together. Trying to figure this whole afterlife thing out. Maybe trying to stop the girl ending up in the same position had been a shitty choice for how to spend his night but he’d followed all the same and was stuck now, watching the reaper here for her arrive. Jesus she looked like she was just out for a little late night stroll … which in this town – stupid fucking move.

Kace lifted both hands, warding her off, like she’d be able to just grab his wrist and get him out of here maybe, or just to block the instant thought that he’d have killed the girl and then sat here watching her like some kinda sadist. He wormed his tongue around the back of his teeth, shaking his head as the girl explained. ”Like she said. Not me. I’m just the dumbass who came along for the ride when they left her.” Why had he done it? To make sure she hadn’t died alone out here? So she didn’t reappear alone, confused and scared out of her mind. If that had been it then he’d failed big time.

Planting his hands on the ground Kace rose, dusting his palms off against his jeans like the real world could even touch him anymore. He glanced down at the body, the holes in the girl’s throat, the thin trickles of blood that was all that was left of what had been pumping through her veins, keeping her alive. ”That’s pretty fuckin’ cold,” he drawled as the reaper justified the existence of the vampires. Wasn’t like it was the truth either. You didn’t need some Dracula wanna be tearing your throat out to end up dead. All you had to do was screw up and your own brother could have a blade buried in your chest.

Kace lifted a hand, rubbed at the spot the blade had gone in. He supposed it didn’t matter how long after you hung around, if a reaper made you the offer you could still go. As long as you were sane enough. Did they give you access to heaven once you were cracked and raging? Maybe. He snorted, shaking his head at the blonde. ”I thought you guys were meant to sugar coat it. I guess you missed that day of trainin’ huh?” Or she’d spent so long mopping up in this town that she just couldn’t be bothered anymore. He shook his head, looked away as the reaper went into her spiel, as blunt as everything else she said had been. The girl who’d already been scared didn’t react well, eyes bugging, denial rolling out in a way he recognised all too well. Then she was gone, running away into the woods like somehow she was gonna outrun what had happened to her.

Good luck, hadn’t worked for him.

Looking back, Kace dragged a hand over his face and chuckled wearily. At least he’d stayed put and made his denial coolly, rationally. He wasn’t ready to go, he didn’t want to leave his brother while he’d been like that. There was no ‘come find you later’. He’d never seen the reaper he’d spoken to again. Sandy brows rose at the woman, his hand falling away to shove into the pocket of his jeans. ”Do I look like her to you?” he asked, tipping his chin up towards the darkness where the spirit had gone. ”I got over the denial stage in about two seconds flat. You know that whole Cain and Abel thing tends to make it pretty fucking real. What’s yours? Where’s the bed side manner?” Not here. Who knew, maybe not every reaper who came gathering up soups was like Death’s version of Mary Poppins.

Tagged: LEAH SIVAN * Word Count: 886

Couldn’t talk to anybody, couldn’t touch anything, couldn’t even be touched by anybody. In those first few days he’d lingered he’d tried. Reaching out to his brother and only seeing the shudder roll through him, trying to get through to Kandace, Frank too. The cheesy movie shit of yelling in their faces, waving his hands, only for that icy chill to spread and the shiver on their end to start. Forget it being the sensation of walking over your own grave, it was someone from beyond reaching out to you. A grim thought given how many times it’d happened to him but being on this side Kace knew it wasn’t fucking sunshine and daisies for the sap reaching out either.

Even once you broke through somehow it wasn’t a laugh a minute. Frank’s boyfriend had looked at him enough for him to know he got it in some way, Cassie had spoken to him in the park … but Kit. Shit. He pulled his hands back from the blonde, tunnelling them through his own darker, lanker locks. What had happened with Kit hadn’t been intentional, or even right. He’d pushed his brother to the edge and maybe by going to the club tonight he’d been trying to watch out for the ripples to spread out from all of that. Maybe it’d been a bad idea to follow one of them out, maybe that was gonna be all he could do to stop himself from eventually losing his marbles.

Studying her, Kace lifted his chin in indication. Had she had a choice to play ferryman … ferrywoman … over the Styx or was there some other interview process in place that left her sweeping up other people’s messes out here. ”And this is your version of that?” he asked, dry humour in his tone. Naw. He wouldn’t have swapped places, couldn’t have taken seeing that happen again and again and again. His eyes darted down to the body at the thought, bile rushing up the back of his throat to leave him swallowing. Wasn’t like even they could do anything about it.

Didn’t mean she had to be fucking frigid about the whole thing. Kace huffed a breath out through his nose, lips peeling back from his teeth in a grimace of a smile. She was warding him off, hands up. ”Little soon,” he drawled back. Definitely for the girl. She’d bolted out of there the minute she’d gotten the speech. Maybe a little more warmth would’ve kept her back. ”You did a shitty job of it.” Kace racked his teeth over his lower lip, squinted off over his shoulder where the vampires had driven off. ”A solid eight or nine. Probably a ten if your beer goggles were as thick as hers. She didn’t have a clue what they were.” Maybe he’d been there a time or two in clubs in LA. You got drunk, you had a little fun, didn’t realise just how freaky someone was until you were in their place and getting the full on Norman Bates vibes.

That hadn’t been the way he’d gone out in the end but it could’ve been. Any one of a hundred ways could’ve put an end to him before he’d unknowingly pushed Kit into his meltdown. It’d been long enough now that most of the time he could see the whole thing rationally, most of the time. He hadn’t with Kit and the reaper obviously didn’t think he was that far through the Afterlife 12 Step Programme yet. Rocking back on his heels, he listened to her laugh. ”The one that came for me was a little more than you. Was real polite the entire time. I guess it’s not a requirement.” She would’ve made a shitty Florence Nightingale if she tried it.

Another wolf. Like Kit. Like he might’ve been if the rolls were reversed and he’d … had a hand in something. His mouth twitched faintly, an understanding growing maybe. ”That’s growth at least.” It wasn’t the part of what she said that he focused on though. She’d been where he was. Kace took a step forward, hands still in the pockets of his jeans, eyes still narrowed as he watched her. ”That how you got to be …” He tugged one free, gestured at her before he laughed. The sound was a little less bitter this time. ”Family issues. Figured I wasn’t going anywhere til they were resolved.” Kace took another step forward, hand twitching til he realised that would probably still go as well as it had before. ”Kace. Why’d you run?” Nosy but she’d started it first and if there was some way he could end up like one of them, a little more here, then it wasn’t like he was about to turn it down.

Tagged: LEAH SIVAN * Word Count: 801

Cold as ice. Kace didn’t imagine being Death’s lackey ever left you warm and fuzzy but the blonde could’ve put a witch’s tit to shame. A pretty marble statue without empathy. Shame. Kace’s lips flattened into a line, his head shaking at her sigh. Maybe if she’d been the one to make the offer to shuffle him off somewhere he’d have taken it. There’d have been a flat yes or not to it then instead of that inch of leeway he’d been given that had allowed him to slide.

And end up here. Watching his brother suffer. Kicking himself day in, day out for what had been a truly fucking tragic mistake on both of their parts. Kit heading down a slow slide into an abyss none of them would be able to pull him out of, him trying to repentant in some way and failing all the same. His brows rose slightly as he looked up at that reaper. ”With a little sympathy?” he suggested, that old song ‘Try a Little Tenderness’ unexpected rolling through his head and leaving him huffing out a breath of humour. ”Say you’re sorry.” Even when it wasn’t your fault. Some part of you wanted someone to apologise for the shit storm that ended up with you an empty sack on the ground and whatever had once animated you standing there like a dumb shit, astounded that the inevitable had happened after all.

The girl who’d run had deserved that much. She’d seen an opportunity for a little happiness, a little fun, with two guys who’d led her on and for a moment’s hedonism she’d paid with her life. A shitty fucking deal that was worse than his own in a way. Kace shook his head, huffing a breath out through her nose. ”They didn’t even bother with that. Just lured her in, got her a couple more drinks, had her ready to go anywhere.” He wouldn’t argue with her assessment of the girl, she wouldn’t have hit the top of the scale for him either but even a one didn’t deserve what had happened. Kace didn’t bother arguing when her eyes shot up to meet his, just held his hands up to ward her off. ”Been there, done that, not that worried about her getting butt hurt over not being called a ten.” That was the least of her problems now. She’d almost certainly damned herself to a life of getting angrier and angrier than those she loved could no longer see her. The girl was cut off, a wound left to slowly fester.

Having done that himself and feeling that burst of frustration welling in him again, Kace curled his hands into his palms as he rocked back on his heels. He glanced down at his hands, the knuckles pressing white against his LA tan skin. ”I never could’ve figured,” he managed dryly. ”Either way, they didn’t manage to convince me to go either.” He hadn’t bolted though, sticking with Kit instead. Watching his brother fall to pieces, ground down further when the one other blood relative who should’ve been on his side turned away. Frank wasn’t family, not in the way he and Kandace were but the guy had done more for his brother than anybody else and there was a gratitude tempering that fire in his stomach for that.

There when he could only watch. Maybe there’d been someone like that in this reaper’s story but if there was she hadn’t gotten the warm fuzzies from it. She was like him, although something had obviously intervened in her almost infinite future of lingering around those she was still tied to, separated and slowly turning all of that ice into a wildfire of anger that would spill over in the way he’d seen others do.

Kace’s brows drew together as her story began to trip out. Insane enough that maybe he’d have scoffed if he hadn’t seen Kit turn again and again, the full moon now running his brother’s life in the way the military used to. He dipped his chin, his brows rising as his shoulders bunched with an internal discomfort. ”A man on fire? What the hell did you do that you thought the big burnin’ balls himself was coming for you?” Maybe if that had been what was waiting for him he would’ve bolted too, instead of standing there like some sad, deflating sack as the cops had led his brother out of the room where his body was still crumpled on the carpet.

Snap.

He couldn’t help himself, as she admitted her half-brother had been the one to kill her, Kace started laughing. He drifted past her, heading for a bench at the edge of the woods, probably stuck there for some picturesque view of the woods, the bodies dumped In its view just an added attraction. One hand dug a box of cigarettes out of his pocket, never empty, as endless as his afterlife. ”Half? I guess that’s close enough. Full brother.” With the hand clutching the cigarette between his knuckles he thumped a loose fist against his chest. ”Already done that myself. First time I managed to and I just kicked him in the teeth. You think you can make up for that?” An ‘I’m sorry’ that probably wouldn’t make it past her lips. She’d made the offer though and there was some gratitude for that.

Kace bobbed his head, slipping the cigarette between his lips before he sparked it up. Wasn’t real, none of this was, but the familiarity of it was like a baby blanket, that cloud of smoke that couldn’t pierce the veil wreathed around him. Kace laughed, the sound emerging with streams of smoke from his nose as he glanced up at her. ”You’re saying that like there is one. You gonna tap your heels together three times and make me a real boy again?” It didn’t work like that. He’d been lingering around long enough to know there wasn’t some easy fix for it. Wishful thinking wasn’t enough, not even in a town like Mystic Falls where fucked up shit seemed to be the everyday.

Tagged: LEAH SIVAN * Word Count: 1025

Tough love was overrated. Kace’s brows dropped, his throat working as he glanced at the ground again and shook his head. He’d tried it to Kit, had pushed when he’d finally torn through whatever had half hidden him from his brother. Taking bitter swings fuelled by that anger and frustration inside of him, half caving as he saw them landing. Kit broken, tears in his eyes, shudders working through his body, that assurance that he didn’t want to fix himself, he didn’t want to stop hurting. It was all deserved. Maybe the news that it wasn’t woulda been easier coming from her. Kace sucked in a breath through his nose, let it out as he met her eye again. ”Sometimes that’s just bullshit,” he drawled dryly. ”What do you do when it doesn’t work?” You tried saving others instead and could only watch as they stumbled into a mistake worse than the one you’d made yourself.

Maybe she’d be back. Begging for someone to come and take her away from the place she’d found herself stuck in. Maybe not. For all he knew she’d known what was coming after. Some dark past that brought with it a guaranteed trip downstairs. Kace sank teeth into his lower lip as he’d tossed the ludicrous story about what had come for the reaper back at her. Bullshit called in not so many words. Was pushing your big brother into a PTSD episode that killed you enough to make down likely rather than up? Sleeping around. Wasting what he’d been given. All those little slips of a life barely lived. Tipping a scale. The reaper’s first confession woulda been feather light on that down side but … he let out a low whistle at the real reason something on fire mighta been chasing her down. ”Maybe?” he drawled. ”He deserve it?” There was no condemnation on the killing, not anymore, just a need to know why. Piece of shit didn’t imply a guy who’d slipped up at the worst possible time.

That weight was still there though. Kace might’ve laughed at the admission that followed, the irony in it too much, but that weight was still there on his chest. He could’ve pressed the heel of his hand against it, trying to rub it out like a case of morning indigestion after tying one on the night before but wreathed in that grim humour he’d lit up first before he used that hand to thump back against his chest in demonstration. ”Ain’t that sweet,” he drawled. It’d probably slow Kit down for five minutes, leave him with one less vice to use to push that memory of him bleeding out in his arms out of his head. The grin on her face had Kace’s expression going sour. She didn’t even try to sugar coat it. ”Accident. He was in the Army. Saw some fucked up shit when his convoy hit an IED. It messed him up here. I … I fucked up, triggered it and …” Kace’s mouth thinned to a knife edge as he mimed a knife to the chest. That same copper taste that’d been there in those last minutes flooded his mouth again. Bitter, drowning.

Lifting the cigarette Kace stepped away, moving on stiff legs until he was dropping like a rock. The smoke filled his lungs, the memory of the way it’d burned when he’d first stolen one outta Kamilla’s bag strong enough to fill his mouth with the acrid tang of nicotine. He pressed his tongue against the roof of his mouth as the reaper dropped down next to him. The cigarette bobbed in his mouth as his upper lip curled in a sneer. ”So all I’ve gotta do is spend the next million years tryin’ to beg people like us to go to a better place?” The thought of one day being the one called in when Kit took a step too far and ended up cold as ice, those blue eyes dulled with death had an invisible fist clamping around his heart, stealing the breath he no longed really had. Back as something else? Kace squinted past the thin wreath of smoke at her. ”You’re still a whole beam of sunshine,” he accused. ”Great, so my choices are either follow in your footsteps, come back as some nightmare or find Glinda the Good Witch and hope she’s feelin’ real charitable towards assholes?” Wonderful. Cause all three of those sounded like the perfect way to try and reverse his mistake.

Tagged: LEAH SIVAN * Word Count: 752

Kace pressed his lips together, letting them twist wryly as he shook his head at her. The reaper who’d come for hadn’t forced, it had been so freaking polite that he would’ve laughed at it if he hadn’t been standing there watching his brother fall apart. His blood on Kit’s hands but his brother’s entire life – his freedom, his sanity – smeared scarlet on his. Under those circumstances the chance of ending up crazy and angry, lashing out at everybody around him because anything that had made him him had been burned away. The warning had lingered even after the reaper had shrugged and vanished. ”Can’t take ‘em kickin’ and screamin’?” Of course that’d be the sticking point. It was your own decision, everything was. He’d have thought that the whole thing was bullshit but glancing away Kace knew he’d seen too much to believe that there was anyone out there playing the big puppet master and yanking on people’s strings.

This was all on him.

Wondering if the woman was gonna feel the same if she made her way back here, Kace frowned at the body still laying like an empty sack on the ground in front of him. The reaper had run at one point, ending up the one doing the ferrying some time after. The echoes were too freaking close to be comfortable, although it didn’t seem like there’d been much accidental about what had happened between her and her brother. Hearing the hum, Kace let his eyes lock on her, skimming her face like it’d reveal some hidden truth, like he’d have a clue what it was when he’d never been great at reading people. ”Got a good enough reason, he deserved it,” he managed with a shrug. That’d only be one side of the story though, like his was just one side of what had happened with Kit, and his brother sure as hell hadn’t agreed with who was to blame.

Grim amusement tried to choke him as Kace hung his head and let out a weary chuckle. ”Before or after they get turned? You’re preachin’ to the choir.” His brow furrowed at the thought. He didn’t know what had happened to Kit, when he’d ended up being the thing that had almost lost its mind behind bars. Sitting there on the other side of the bars, watching his brother become something else, another weight to crush him before he’d gotten out and Frank had at least seemed to be able to shoulder a little of it … while he’d continued to hover there, the ghost of brother’s past adding to that guilt until it threatened to swallow them all whole. Maybe he should take a leaf out of this chick’s book, shrug it all off.

Fat freaking chance. Letting out a low sound Kace dragged his hands up, peeling away the one he’d thumped against his chest away. Both covered his face and then scrubbed up fiercely into his hair with frustration. Blonde strands clung to his fingers as he curled them around his skull his he could hold it together. ”That’s the polite way of puttin’ it. He’s … he’s being eaten alive by it and me just hangin’ around’s makin’ it worse but how do you walk away from that?” Even with Kit across the world he’d known that no matter what his brother would have his back but in that one moment of stupidity he’d screwed the entire thing up, guaranteeing he couldn’t be there to do anything but push Kit closer to that edge. ”Just a little nudge maybe?” The blue eyes crinkled at the corners with a brief smile for just a heartbeat. It’d still be like using a guy’s nuts like the ball in kicking a field goal.

Cigarette in hand, dragging on it like the nicotine would do anything now, Kace had wound his way away from the reaper, landing heavy on the bench that was probably planted to make the most of the view. Thinking about how shitty things were wasn’t gonna do a god damn thing to change it. The reaper was doing her bit to change the mood at least, leaving the sneer edging towards a smirk as he raised his brows at her. ”You still managin’ much of that with this whole?” He plucked the cigarette from his mouth, gesturing back at the body. Seemed like a full time commitment to him. He groaned faintly as the wink gave way to something equally grim. ”Hopefully? You definitely missed out when they were handin’ out positivity.” He wasn’t much better these days though. Sighing through his nose, blowing a plume of smoke out with it, he gave her side eye. ”The Little Miss Sunshine act had me forgettin’.” They were stuck and they were stuffed, there wasn’t any hiding that.

If there’d been a way back she’d have come right out with it instead of just shooting off the same two options he’d run from that first time. Stuck between a rock and a hard place he’d chosen to stay wedged, clinging on by his nails to stay put. Leaning forward to plant his elbows on his knees, Kace shrugged. His eyes were back on the woods, moving restlessly. ”Til I fucked up I liked to think I was doin’ the right thing. Never hurt anyone, not really. You know, there were fights growin’ up, fists thrown but I don’t think it’d be enough. You thought you were headin’ down right?” He slipped the cigarette back between his lips, glancing aside just enough to wing a brow at her. You didn’t run from your choice unless you thought were you were gonna head up was the absolute worst option and roasting for an eternity for killing your brother seemed pretty damn shitty to him. Which was why he couldn’t let Kit do it, no matter how much his brother wanted to take the tumble off of that cliff, clinging onto his guilt like a parachute.

Tagged: LEAH SIVAN * Word Count: 1000