it's over

Shoulders tense enough to snap his spine, Joel stalked out of his empty office – God knew where Ricky was, but he probably still had eyes on him – plucking his phone from the front left pocket of his jeans. He should’ve left a half hour before instead of sitting there, looking up every time there were footsteps out in the hallway, even when it didn’t sound like they were the sharp, marching clip of Ricky’s footfalls. His partner’s bad books had probably been etched in stone and without falling to his knees or swearing on his mom, wherever the hell she’d ended up, Joel didn’t see himself getting off of them any time soon. He wasn’t gonna throw Dolly to the wolves and he wasn’t about to walk away from her either.

Joel punched in the doc’s number, lifted the phone to tuck it between his shoulder and his ear as he approached the rear door of the station. He’d gone every week like clockwork, since that first embarrassing session where Jo hadn’t bothered to show. Over the weeks his wife’s apparent lack of interest in patching up their marriage had grown less shameful, the sessions becoming something far more than an attempt to repair something broken beyond repair. There was a quiet click on the other end, the doc’s voice mail kicking in. She was probably in session with some other sap in town. ”This is Detective McGrath. Sorry doc, I’m not gonna be able to make it tonight. We’ll stick with the scheduled session next week. Work … work came up. Sorry this is last minute. Bye.” A blundered excuse the doc would likely see right through.

He slapped a hand against the door out into the lot behind the station, almost slamming one of the other detectives in the face with it as he barrelled through. Joel’s hands came up as the guy caught the edge of the door. Dark eyes glimmered as the guy chuckled. It looked like he’d already taking a couple of doors to the face over the years. ”Hey, watch it man. Nothing’s on fire…”

Mouth pinching, Joel tried to wave it off, carrying on towards his car with the guy’s eyes boring holes in his back. Ricky probably would’ve been like that emoji chicken at the encounter, dark eyes narrowed, mouth pursed, seeing every little screw up as some other sign that at some point, without him noticing, his partner had gone over to the dark side. ”Sorry, gotta rush. You know…” An apology tossed over his shoulder that was as vague as it was insincere. Joel didn’t see the guy head into the building, didn’t look up until he’d gotten into his truck, bent over the wheel to scrub his hands over his face and had let out a low sound of frustration. He resisted slamming his hand into the wheel, if the horn went off it’d be the second death knell of his career.

Pulling out of the lot, he headed towards home. A pointless exercise if he thought he was gonna get any sort of comfort from Jo. She hadn’t been home a single night this week. A big case, soon as they were out the other side it would be better. The bitter laugh that’d rolled out of him as she’d walked out of the apartment on Monday morning with that hanging in the air had felt like it had ripped something open in him. If the sessions with the doc had shown anything it was that there was no making any of this better. He just hadn’t been willing to see it until now. Somehow, it the cradle of Dolly’s arms with her whispered observations slipping like silk into his ears it’d all started to come clear.

Did you ever see me?

How the hell could a question haunt you so bad?

It wasn’t just their past that had him wanting to save her. Ricky had been playing the cards so tight to his chest that he hadn’t seen a single one but he’d seen places like the club in the past, knew what happened to the women working there. Chewed up and spat out, left on the streets to fall apart, eventually being scooped up by an ambulance, a husk left behind. Joel’s jaw tightened, the tension building until he was pulling into the lot behind their apartment building. No matter what Dolly thought, or how hard Ricky puckered up, he was getting her out.

Plans strung themselves together in his head like pearls on a silk string as he rode up in the elevator, stalking back and forth in that coffin tight space until the door opened. Dinner of whatever left of last night’s attempt at something more than take-out – the plate he’d left for Jo still in the fridge when he’d woken up this morning, untouched – nuked in the microwave, a couple of hours spent digging into Hector Dacre and his business dealings. Maybe Jo would be back some time before he crashed. Or…

There was a sense when you opened the door on an occupied space. Some feeling in the air that lifted the hair on the back of your neck for just a moment. Had the case fallen apart? Joel’s brows furrowed as he stepped inside, hands already peeling off his jacket to hang it up just inside the door, the toe of one boot already working at the back of the other as that honeyed voice spoke up. Numb fingers clutched at the jacket, a look shot back over his shoulder to make sure Jo hadn’t turned up right after him. ”Doll…” Jesus. Had Jo been here to let her in?

Pumpkin. The pet name stuck fast in his brain, derailing all other thoughts. If Jo had let her in she’d still have been here, that little smile on her face like she was just indulging the way his life had suddenly bubbled over into hers, like it wasn’t theirs anymore. ”Sure. It’s … it’s fine.” Safe. Like there was something sordid in this, something dangerous. Joel blinked, just tossing his jacket down on the hall table to approach the couch. Dolly sprawled there like some film noir siren, temptation peeking in flashes of red. Danger right there.

Joel gestured back towards the door as he stopped, sinking down on the edge of the coffee table beside her. His eyes fixed on that baseball sized rock on her finger, sticking fast. ”How’d you get in? Was … Did you meet Jo? She’s … uh … there’s a big case. I guess I shouldn’t be talkin’ ‘bout that.” It was a breach of trust, although that hadn’t been a problem in his marriage once upon a time, he and Jo had shared work talk, used it like a love language. Maybe there’d never actually been loved, maybe it had only ever been that work connection and nothing more.

Tagged: HANNYA * Word Count: 1155

Ricky was gonna shit a brick, and maybe for good reason.

Joel resisted the urge to rush over to the windows and twitch the blinds aside. He hadn’t spotted Ricky or anybody else his partner had roped into his paranoid delusion of betrayal, but it didn’t mean there weren’t eyes on his place to see Dolly heading in. Chances of Ricky trusting anybody else with what he saw as the truth was low – after years of working together Ricky still hadn’t placed full trust in him and that had been before his fall from grace – so it would’ve likely been him himself. The truth as he saw it – wrongly – noted down for that next tirade of accusations.

He pressed his dry lips together as he glanced away from them, his heart a tripping beat in his throat as he eased in between Dolly and the coffee table. That desert like aridity and heat worked its way down into his throat. Sandy brows furrowing as he fixed on the ring. At the black light party he’d promised to do just about anything in his power to get Dolly out of there. Maybe she’d decided it was time to go, in which case he’d throw stuff in a bag, get her out now even if it meant everything with Ricky was irrevocably destroyed. Joel swallowed hard, his gaze flickering away from that ring, over her thighs – no – up to hips outlined in those thin red lines.

Had she found some other way out? Some rich asshole who was deep enough in that world to make the sort of offers that ended up with women dead. No!.

Joel looked up with heat building uncomfortably in his chest. Was it guilt? Jealousy? That same burning anger that had rushed in when Ricky had tried to turn what was going on into some sign that he was going just the same way his old partner had instead of him just trying to be a decent guy for someone he once hadn’t taken enough notice of. Maybe that was guilt, knowing he coulda kept Dolly out of that place and hadn’t. ”What about anybody else? Did anybody see you come in?” His eyes flicked to the window then. If Ricky knew he’d be hammering down the door, interrogating Dolly ‘til she spilled everything she knew about the guys running that place.

They were safe for now – she was at least. Heat flared in Joel’s face, leaving him knuckling his mouth as he tried not to look at all that grace, the light shift of muscle under golden skin, legs disappearing under that slick skirt. All the things he hadn’t noticed about Jo in too long.

He dragged his hands over his face, stilled, looking between his fingers at Dolly as she patted the empty cushion. Joel’s gaze dropped to her hand, a sound going up in his throat before he swallowed it down. This was Dolly, even if all Ricky saw was who she’d become after she’d run from Cunningham. He pushed up slow, dropped onto the couch next to her and flopped against the back of it. His hands found his face again, the heels of his palms grinding at his eyes as he laughed. ”I feel that way. Like I got bucked and stamped.” And Ricky was the horse, stomping away until he got himself all settled and the thing that had been clinging to his back was left limp and bloodied, no longer a threat.

Joel turned his head towards her, one corner of his mouth twitching up in a tired smile. More trusting than he should’ve been, maybe, but not entirely ready to do that same stomp over his entire life yet. ”Would you be pissed if I said I shouldn’t be talkin’ ‘bout that either, Doll?” His throat worked, the gulp drier than it should’ve been like the heat that had risen up had scorched him. ”Who gave you the ring? Some big fish at the club?” That bite of something again, like a rattler in his chest, striking what should’ve been dead tissue. Those accusations that Ricky had flung around at the station, the sessions with the doc, running into Dolly that first time – they’d all proven one thing, he wasn’t dead inside yet.

Tagged: HANNYA * Word Count: 714

It was a stupid, dangerous phenomena, but people felt safer with cops living in their building. They saw the uniform or the occasional patrol car pulling in and thought that meant crime wasn’t gonna strike there. The badge wasn’t some miraculous shield against all the shit in this world, if it was then just walking into that club as a cop would’ve been like Moses parting the seas. Ricky could’ve had his clean up and he could’ve gotten Hannya out there. It wasn’t the first time Joel wished he could’ve seen a miracle happen, but he’d seen enough to know those didn’t exist. The world was a shitty, violent place and it chewed up sweet people like Jeanine, like Doll.

Hell, if he wasn’t careful in how he did this Ricky would be the one chewing Dolly up. He’d already marked her as being on the wrong side of this and his partner was the sort of guy who only ever changed his opinion in one direction – down.

Joel curled his fingers in towards his palms, like he was gripping his badge again. Ricky had marked him too and it meant his partner was probably watching everything he did now, looking for enough guilt that he could lock him up and throw away the key, his suspicions vindicated. ”She should’ve been more careful. You’re … you could’ve been anybody.” Doll wasn’t though, never had been, despite the hurt she’d flung in his direction before. He’d always seen her, he’d have sworn on that … but he hadn’t seen this. The soft shift of muscle, the gleam of skin that he knew felt like warm silk under his touch. At her question his gaze rocked up, the heat burning harder above the scruff of his beard. ”No, no Doll, this is … it’s alright.” It was what he’d asked for, but now that she was here, everything felt unsteady under his feet, like his whole life was a house of cards, ready to come crashing down.

Up close he felt everything more acutely, the press of his palms at his eyes doing nothing to chase back the vision of it all coming down. It had happened before, Jeanine cutting out one part of the foundation under him, Doll’s disappearance knocking down every other support he’d had. Jo had started to help him shore it up later, but it’d never been the same as it had been. The shiver rolled through Joel as he felt Dolly’s knee warm against his thigh. His head tilted towards her just an inch as she started to trail her fingers through her hair. ”It’s … it’s an active case, Doll. I tell you, I break every rule.” Shit. His brows knotted as he dropped his hands away. One found Dolly’s leg the way it always had done, popsicle sticky fingers propped there like she was an extension of his own body. If one word got out about the investigation Ricky would have all the proof he needed to get him kicked, maybe get him locked up. ”I’m sorry, Doll.” The apology was barely a whisper.

The doc. Joel cursed inwardly. Even she didn’t know the ins and outs of the job, but she’d heard everything else he would’ve told Dolly once upon a time. He’d started to draw back from her too though. Joel huffed out a breath, his fingers curling over Dolly’s thigh, the warmth immediately stealing into them, that whip crack of sensation up the nerves and into his chest, like those big old electrical storms they’d get back home with lightning spiderwebbing the sky. It struck, a mule kick, a snake bite, the sting bringing life to something that’d slowly died in the last couple of years.

Could say that? Joel’s frown deepened until lines bracketed his eyes, his mouth as his lips pinched in that surround of scruff. Joel’s fingers curled in, doing nothing to shield his own ring as he saw Dolly look at it. ”Hector proposed? You said yes to the … successful, smart, mature, rich … a criminal. Doll! Surely you can see what he’s doin’. He’s trouble. You can’t … you’re more than that, more than just somethin’ for him to parade around like a damn show pony.” That strike of something again, maybe too close to jealousy. ”They don’t know you,” he said hoarsely. His hand loosened, coming up to her chin with that shackle of his ring still on his finger as he cupped that warm curve of skin and bone. ”You’ve always been worth more than that, Dolly. You deserve someone who loves you, someone who sees you.” Someone who’d fight for her … the way his own wife wouldn’t for him anymore. Was his marriage to Jo honestly any different? Joel swallowed hard, his thumb brushing under her lower lip, remembering the way they’d felt pressed to his on his porch.

Tagged: HANNYA * Word Count: 816

The job had always given him a high road. One a mile wide. Joel could convince himself he was helping to clear places up, to guarantee there wasn’t another family like Jeanine’s to grieve the loss of a child. It was easy to hold your head up when you were on it, following a ramrod figure like Ricky towards some Shangri-La like world where narcotics and violence weren’t an issue. Long as you didn’t look down you could delude yourself that you were getting there.

They were blind, at least he had been. Ricky had probably known that the road was razor thin all along, but with that stick wedged up his ass for balance, he still strode along it. Like he had no fear of falling off and cutting himself in two while he did it.

Joel could feel the keen edge of that wire ready to slice him up the middle the minute his feet finally slipped. Letting go and just jumping would’ve been the easiest move. Hand his badge in, let Ricky find himself a new saint to walk that road with, and get the hell out of there with Dolly, Jo too if she was willing to cut the cord to a job that had at some point become more important to her than her marriage.

Jesus, if he tried staying on it with every damn thing sending him swaying like he was caught in a tornado he’d be cut to pieces, not enough left of him to try scrambling together afterwards. It had to be the dumbest move, but Joel knew he couldn’t make that leap, not yet. He was hanging from the wire with it cutting into his fingers, bleeding parts of his life all over the place, still, he held on.

His fingers flexed on Doll’s leg as he slowly leaned into her, the apology for not being able to tell her what was happening on his lips. The sting ran from them up to his heart, those pieces slowly being sliced deeper, burning as Doll told him how that her boss had proposed. The guy Ricky seemed to have a hard-on for from the start. The club was Ricky’s entire focus, everything in it tainted by what he thought went on inside – including Dolly. Beneath the paint and the surface gloss Joel could see the Doll he’d known, the one he’d missed like a limb when he’d realised she was gone. The feel, the taste of her still a ghostly imprint on his lips. Now he’d be nothing more than that on hers as Hector stamped a claim there. One he wanted nothing more than to erase.

Sandy brows rose as that feeling surged in his chest, the one that was determined to stay on that high road with Ricky, even if it ran out beneath his feet entirely. Joel dipped his head slightly to try and meet her eye. ”I know you, Doll. I know you deserve more.” She’d deserved more he’d given her all those years ago, that blindness that had left a hole in her like her leaving had left in him. Her tears were opening it again now, leaving him wanting to brush them away.

Come on, Doll.

Joel almost whispered the words as he cupped her chin with his fingers, trying to draw her gaze up to his, to get her to look at him with those tear filled eyes and see what he knew, what he saw when he looked at her. His brows furrowed, anger shooting lightning bolt fast up into his throat. ”Did he ever make you feel you weren’t?” The razor wire disappeared from beneath his feet, leaving him feeling like he was weightless as it cut through his voice. The sadness in her smile had something inside of him cracking further, like another jack rabbit blow from a horse’s hoof kicking down the stable door and Joel knew once it was open he wasn’t gonna be able to even pretend to slam it shut.

His heart beat hard behind it, trying to break out as his temper tried to break in. A pulse beneath the skin of his lips that he thought he could feel echoing in hers. ”I always saw you, Doll. Even when no one else did,” he whispered. He swallowed hard as Dolly’s lips found his thumb. That echo of what they’d shared on his porch. ”Not the way they should. You shouldn’t give up and take ‘em just because they’re the ones tryin’ to take ya, to change ya.” Joel’s accent roughened as his frown deepened. ”Don’t settle when there’s somethin’ better out there, Doll.” Somewhere better where she could rebuild. Some ranch, some farm somewhere, where his Doll could fight her way back and he could …

What? What was he gonna do? Play happy families with someone who wasn’t his wife? Once upon a time it was all people had seen when they’d looked at the two of them, but he’d laughed it off then. They were best friends not …

Breathing in hard as Doll slid in to him, Joel felt that heat roll up, in that sure as hell not friendly way. The closest he’d been to anybody in months, female flesh pressed to his, breath warmth against his throat. Doll, different on the surface but just the same as she’d been that last day, begging for him to see her, his body rising in the way it had then, wanting. ”Please…” Joel breathed against her temple as his hand slid up to one lush hip, holding her out of comfort, drawing her into that need, he didn’t know anymore.

He didn’t know if she did either. Dolly settled there, her arms around him, her lips against his skin leaving him shivering as she leaned her head into his shoulder. The laugh that rolled out as she murmured to him about what he had was bitter as wheatgrass. Joel sucked in a breath that lifted his chest against the curve of hers, feeling sensation prickle across his skin beneath the thin cotton of his shirt. He spoke into her temple, his lips skimming the thin skin. ”What I’ve got ain’t all it looks to be, Doll. You deserve more than this. It’s … lonely when don’t see each other anymore. It hasn’t been like it should be in a long time.” Lonely didn’t start to cover it. He was a starving man, who whose hunger was sharp as that razor wire he stood on now.

His throat burned with it, nerves throughout his body flickering with it like the summer sky with an electrical storm overhead. He and Doll had laid out in the barn then, staring out the hayloft doors at that flickering sky, feeling the hair on their arms and necks lift with the ozone in the air. Like his were now, that same sensation of being lit up filling him further with each breath she took.

Tagged: HANNYA * Word Count: 1165

Cunningham had never seemed like it was gonna be big enough to contain Vaughn. His brother had flailed at the limits of his life time and time again, trying to find s0mething else out there, like the too tight town limits were what was gonna kill him, not what he drank or what ended up in his bloodstream. Until Jeanine died Joel hadn’t imagined he’d be glad to get out of there one day either. It was home, and that came with the farm, family, the horses, Dolly. He hadn’t seen that she’d wanted more from that combination than she’d had until she’d walked away from him, that sway in her hips. That afternoon had changed everything for him, opening his eyes, opening up his world to all of … this.

Joel tried to shake his head over the sadness in her words, his brows knitting from regret. Did he want to be able to turn back the clock on all of this? Forget the job that was already going down the pan, shove the responsibility of trying to meet de la Peña’s sky high bar onto someone else, go back to a time before there been anything between him and Jo, before the good, before he’d tackled the asshole that had brought the two of them together. Yeah, fuck, some part of him wanted to flip it all back, to see what he’d been blind to. ”I’m sorry.” The apology rolled out hoarse, almost inaudible, his thumb brushing the corner of that sad smile like he could erase it. ”I was a stupid kid who didn’t see half the things he should’ve done.” If he’d been a little less blind, a little less naïve, maybe he’d have seen what Jeanine had gotten herself into and saved her life.

Forgive me. A plea unspoken, sticking in his throat, washed away moments later by the broken plea that seemed to go nowhere.

Doll hummed instead, against his skin. Not a yes, not a no, perhaps just a plea, pressed into his skin the same way his had been into hers. Warmth washing over his throat, setting his pulse to racing beneath his skin, thundering like hoofbeats. Doll’s heat sank into him, like a fire in the winter, drawing him closer until he wanted it around every inch of himself, he wanted to be inside of it after months on end of the cold. Those flames between him and Jo had died back to nothing now, just grey ash coating every part of their marriage.

The doc had heard all about it, those small admissions painting a depressing picture, especially after it became obvious that Jo wasn’t gonna have anything to do with trying to save their marriage. He’d been the only one to hear a word of it though, even Ricky was sat in the dark, clinging to his opinions without a single ounce of first hand evidence. It felt like tearing something open to say it, but this was Doll, he was safe with her, she wouldn’t judge, she’d just soothe, the way she’d always done. Joel shifted slightly, rolling his mouth against her skin, almost like he was rocking himself back and forth against all that curled around him until Dolly drew back.

Pressing his lips together, his eyes not cutting away from hers, Joel nodded slowly. Who wanted to admit that their entire marriage was nothing but a shell, a picture painted for an outside world that had no idea what was going on in here? Joel let out a rough laugh through his nose, shaking his head as he looked into those wide hazel eyes. ”Never would’ve thought I’d stick it out when it started going bad?” he asked hoarsely. Or never woulda thought he’d hide it from everyone, unburdening to a professional when he had to because he wasn’t about to let anybody else see the wreckage of his marriage.

This would grind it to dust. Some part of him felt the guilt over having another woman so close but this was Dolly, she’d never fit anybody else’s expectations, always being just what he needed, even if he hadn’t been that for her. She’d changed since she was that skinny kid with the dusty boots and skinned knees, filling out, growing bold, but beneath it all she was still who he needed with a burning desperation. It sizzled beneath his skin, his head dropping until he was nosing at that notch between her collarbones and lower, his lips brushing against flesh as hot as his own. His throat worked hard as he felt Dolly shift, so close, so … jesus. Joel’s fingers tightened on her hips, then slid up to the narrower span of her waist as she hugged him, burying his face again until he could see, all he could smell and touch was her.

Her pulling back had him letting out a small sound of protest that broke off into another of those rusty chuckles as she draped her arms around his shoulders. ”You think I like bein’ home alone every night? Comin’ back to an empty apartment…” An empty bed, feeling as though there was some invisible curtain between him and his wife. His frown deepening, Joel nodded, almost ashamed enough to pull his gaze from Dolly’s, but there was no judgment there, just that quiet understanding. His tongue darted out to moisten his lips, like it’d make all of this easier. The heat inside was too much for that though, threatening to choke him as he croaked out a single ”yeah.” He hadn’t thought he had, but the moment things had started to drift, he’d thought that was in, there was nothing more to look for out there. This was it forever. There was something more though, wasn’t there?

Joel saw Dolly’s gaze drop, felt that drum beat in his throat pick up to a canter. It echoed everywhere, pounding in his ears, his veins, down low somewhere inside, like it was calling out to something in Dolly, answered in her own beat and the shift between them. His fingers tightened as he tried to adjust, the heat spilling up into his cheeks, like he knew there was a line he was stumbling right over.

He wanted to lean back into that heat, that settle his head against Doll’s chest the way he had before hormones had kicked in and stuff like that had been across a line he instinctively hadn’t wanted to cross with his best friend. The comfort was a little different now, but he still wanted to feel that skin to skin contact, to push away thoughts of what he should’ve had. He gritted his teeth, his jaw twitching as he shifted under again, almost giving in to the need to move Dolly instead, to just take what he needed. ”I always pictured you right there,” he said hoarsely. ”At the table in the kitchen, waiting for me to get back. Little blonde kids with your grin.” The laugh was strained with the sudden desperation for it, plans made as they’d lain there together, fingers curled in one another’s. Finding Doll here was almost an echo of it, although Jo was never part of that mental image of what would’ve been theirs.

Another desperate sound rolled out as Dolly finally gave him what he needed, giggling as he found that place where they fit together again. ”I’d always pull you close, try and get my shirt round both of us.” Horse blankets bundled around them while they’d huddled out there, their place. Joel settled his mouth against her throat, testing the temperature over her pulse. He wouldn’t let go of her long enough to try and do the same now, but he drew Dolly in until there was no space between them, bellies pressed together, that heat caught like the sun between them there as her hands skimmed over her arms. Joel skimmed his hand up her spine, shaking his head as he touched his mouth to the side of her head. His hand curled around to her side, his fingers close enough to feel that warm curve of her chest, firm against his fingers but he didn’t pull back this time. ”You were the only one who was ever there in my head. Maybe I knew … someday it was gonna be us…” With Jo on the outside, a dim memory, flitting around the edges of his subconscious like a moth at a light.

Nuzzling at her, Joel closed his eyes and pressed his lips to the corner of hers. Sparks ran down his throat, threatening to spark a wildfire like a lightning bolt coalescing at that spot where they were closest. He convulsed with the need, a needy sound rolling out, blocking out the thuds of that angel on his shoulder as it tried to drag him back from the edge Jo had been pushing himself for months.

Tagged: HANNYA * Word Count: 1491