salt in my blood

It took him a solid thirty seconds to realise that Lucas had stopped talking. This wasn’t the first time his mind had wandered in a session, he was human after all, but it was one of the few times that he’d completely lost track of what his client was saying. Cam cleared his throat, ignoring the heat that tried to rise into his face. He’d have apologised, made it clear he wasn’t infallible, but these days that wasn’t a big enough word for his behaviour. ”Have you tried using the breathing exercises we discussed during our last session?” he asked lightly, like there hadn’t been a pause in their discussion.

The man in the chair opposite him frowned down at the hands he’d crossed in his lap. ”I tried, I dunno how well it worked.” Given the way he’d been squirming like a cat on a hot tin roof when he’d walked into his office half an hour ago, Cam had expected a flat no.

He offered Lucas a half smile, and inclined his head. ”You trying is more than you did the last time. Remember, being able to tell her how you feel is the important part. We’re gonna keep working on what you need to make that happen. If there’s a chance to talk to her again, I want you to go through the steps.” He drew in an exaggerated breath, just as he’d down last week and the week before. He counted down from five to one, a hand bobbing in the air to count off those seconds before he let his breath out again slowly.

Lucas echoed him before he pushed to his feet. He shifted his weight, knuckling at his mouth before he nodded. ”I’ll try. I’ll … uh … make an appointment for next week. Thanks doc. I’ll see ya.” And he would, Cam was sure.

Getting to his feet, he followed Lucas towards the door of his office. The man had been seeing him every week for months. Passive down to the bone, he’d only started therapy because his girlfriend had forced him into it. She loved him, she’d sworn again and again, but living with a man who’d just about tie his shoes without being told to was driving her mad. It had struck him in the last couple of weeks that Lucky probably would’ve said he was just as bad, but you couldn’t equate not telling your girlfriend that her leaving dirty laundry on the floor drove you crazy with sleeping with your fiancée’s sister and hiding it from her for weeks. Maybe it was cowardice either way, but you weren’t likely to have your relationship vanish like smoke for making her pick up her socks.

His next appointment was probably waiting outside already, but Cam took a moment to scrub his hands over his face. There was a clock ticking on his coming clean to Catia. If he didn’t get around to doing it soon, Lucky would handle it for him. With a shit eating grin on her face she’d probably stand in the middle of the hotel lobby to announce to her sister that he was just as big a scumbag as she’d always accused him of being. Her role in it all would be played down, the blame set squarely on his shoulders as though he’d forced himself on her instead of her willingly…

Swallowing back the rush of nausea, Cam forced himself to rapidly tidy up the conversation area, setting the cushions back in their right places, putting out fresh glasses and refilling the job of water. Minutes later he was opening his office door and heading to the reception area he was sharing with the therapist who’d taken over the other office in this suite – sharing the rent certainly made it more affordable and she’d already recommended two clients to him. He could see that someone was already there, their shadow shifting on the industrial grey carpet. Expecting it to be his new client, an easy smile slipped onto his face and fast froze as he recognised the woman sitting there.

Did he fight for control and pretend that nothing was wrong or did he immediately address Lottie like she … knew everything that had happened. He was gonna fucking kill Lucky when he got his hands on her. For the few seconds that it took her to throw that insult out, he’d hoped that Lucky hadn’t told Lottie what had happened, but her shrieked words tore through his wishful thinking. Cam’s gaze snapped around the waiting room, taking in the receptionist who was pretending she wasn’t listening. His client hadn’t appeared and the in session red light still glowed over the other therapist’s door.

”You think I’d be so damn unethical I would’ve let you make an appointment with me?” he questioned. Cam puffed out a breath, his shoulders hunching faintly. ”I’d appreciate it if you kept your voice down here too. You might hate me, but this is still my place of business, and I’d like to keep running it if I can.” Especially since there was a chance the rest of his life would burn to the ground in a matter of hours. ”Why are you here Lottie? Did your sister put you up to this? She’s already shown up here to try and force my hand.” It hadn’t worked once, he didn’t know why she’d try it again, but he could imagine Lucky whispering in her sister’s ear, amping her up until she’d been prepared to come here and scream about how he couldn’t keep it in his pants at the top of her cutting voice.

Tagged: LOTTIE CHRISTMAS * Word Count: 944

He wasn’t a philanderer. Hadn’t been a cheat. Not that those words be any sort of a comfort to Catia when he finally sat her down and told her the truth. All the years they’d been together, the years he’d spent on the boat unsure if he’d ever manage to get back to his life, to the woman he loved, and he’d been devoted to her. The walls of their prison might’ve been thick enough to drown most noise out, but come the therapy sessions he’d hear far more about what the others were up to than he wanted to. He hadn’t started them to offer up a confessional to the men and women on the boat. It was about giving people a place to talk through their problems, to try and give them some sort means to work through it all. Hearing about hoe the guy living at the end of your hall was sleeping his way through every woman in the place was just rubbing it in that the only woman you wanted was hundreds of miles away, still unaware that you were alive.

Imagining getting out and changing that part of things had been all that was keeping him going at times. Cam had desperately hoped that they would be able to get back to where they’d been when he’d died. A ring on Catia’s finger, a lifetime together. God, he’d even have accepted maybe opening their lives back up to her sisters. Catia would’ve probably wanted them there at the wedding. It would have been their chance to mend some bridges now that her sisters had grown out of that selfish teenaged stage. His life was never gonna be that fucking easy, though, was it? Some of the people on the boat had served actual time before and had spoken of bringing prison with them when they’d been let out. He’d never expected that would actually be him. That son of a bitch had followed him out, managing to tear apart his life even without physically harming Catia.

Any hope that Lucky had kept what had happened just between the two of them died with the first screeched word out of Lottie’s mouth. She’d salted every ounce of ground, probably hoping that if she poisoned enough of his connections here he’d just crawl away and actually die this time. Cam’s body stiffened at the crack of Lottie’s laugh, his lips pinching in a thin line. ”I have professional standards,” Cam said firmly. He could probably keep offering an informal sort of counselling if all of this was reported, but his days of being a licensed professional counsellor would be over in a heartbeat. ”My personal life has nothing to do with my work here, Lottie.” Not that she cared. All Lottie could probably see was the man who’d divided her family, the one who’d gone too far when it looked like it was happening to him all over again.

Heat rushed to Cam’s face. If it had happened an hour before the waiting room would’ve had more people in it, more witnesses to hear all about what a scumbag he was. At least the last time Lucky had stormed directly into his office to make her accusations. ”She didn’t tell you where I was working?” he asked, a frown settling into his expression. As Lottie’s voice wavered over telling him she was here to see someone Cam realised that she obviously hadn’t. Mystic Falls might’ve had more than its fair share of tragedy, but there weren’t all that many therapists her to help them work through it. A couple of months after he’d arrived he’d advertised for someone to share the office space with and had luckily found someone – who was now behind a locked door. ”You’ve got an appointment with Dr Lynch? It looks like she’s in session with someone. What time were you meant to see her?” There went any hope of keeping what had happened in the family. Lottie would walk into her session, shrieking about how he’d banged both of her sisters before the door was even closed.

Tagged: LOTTIE CHRISTMAS * Word Count: 686

A nomination for sainthood wasn’t necessary to become a therapist. People didn’t want to have orders given to them by someone who’d spent their entire life sitting up on a pedestal. It might’ve held a brief appeal, like you’d find out from them how to sail through life without ending up ankle deep in shit, but long term it would grind you down. You wanted someone with empathy, who could sympathise with your situation. Cam had plenty of trauma in his past, from being torn away from the only life he’d known as a teen, to finding out that his dad wasn’t actually his birth father, dying. It had all crept into his sessions over the years, tiny slivers of his own life revealed to those he talked to. It had created a connection, one that he couldn’t build when it came to what had happened with Lucky. He’d always despised cheaters, but look at him now.

Cam rubbed his knuckles over his mouth, like he could still feel Lucky’s mouth there, somehow stamped over the imprint of Catia’s kiss that had remained smoke thin for all of those years they’d been kept apart. Every time he spoke to Catia, putting off meeting, trying not to let it look like he was pulling away from her, the phantom feel of her hands, the whisper of her voice in the back of his mind, crept in. He was one of those men he’d always hated and that was made work a hundred times harder now. Liar, cheat, hypocrite. That inner monologue chewing its way through his resolve. Some small part of him wondered now if Lottie or Lucky running to their sister would somehow make this easier. At least it would stop the situation from dragging out for years. Maybe somehow it would stop him from losing Catia too.

”Maybe,” Cam bit out through gritted teeth. ”They’re not going to find out though. This is a matter between me and your sisters, it doesn’t need to end up being gossiped about all across this town.” If it did then Catia would bolt. Like he had before, her boss would step in to protect her. Catia would end up in some slick hotel on the other side of the country, hundreds of miles away from the man who’d torn her heart out for a second time. ”In my own time.” Cam shook his head, dropping his hand away from his mouth even as a sick feeling crawled its way up his throat. He’d told Lucky the same thing, but just like it was with everything else in her life, him imploding his relationship was supposed to be done on her timescale. ”What happened between me and Lucky isn’t happening again, I just … I need to find a way to tell your sister that won’t break her heart.” There was a trace of a plea in his voice. Lucky had scoffed at his argument as to why he wouldn’t rush right over to Catia to tell her what had happened. There was a small chance Lottie would be a little more sympathetic to her sister’s plight, even if hatred for him dripped from her shrieking voice.

Lottie had already found out. Honestly, how long did he have before the twisted up version of the truth filtered through to Catia’s ears? Hearing the clock ticking down, Cam forced his shoulders to relax. Tonight, it had to be tonight. He’d call Catia and ask to set up a time to talk. Not at the house, not with the memories of what had happened in the garage still so fresh in his mind, not at the hotel either. Maybe here. Away from her sisters. Cam let out a sigh of relief as Lottie confirmed that Lucky hadn’t told her sister where to find him. It had just been an unlucky coincidence that Lottie had come looking for help. Part of him wondered why, but the professionalism he didn’t supposedly have won out.

Nodding briefly, Cam glanced back in the direction of the occupied office. ”She’s a stickler for appointment times. She’ll call you in on the dot.” Which meant that he had time to try and plead his case, even if it was bound to fail. Cam gestured back towards his office, his brows drawing together again. ”Can we talk in my office until she’s ready? I need you to hear the other side of things. Catia’s going to … need someone once this comes out.” That wasn’t going to be him or Lucky and he couldn’t stomach the thought of it being Maddox again. The man had already needed to step in to clear up his last mess, he wasn’t letting it happen again.

Tagged: LOTTIE CHRISTMAS * Word Count: 790

He hadn’t needed Lucky or Lottie to tell him he was a coward. The coppery taste of fear, like he was sucking on pennies, that flooded his mouth whenever he thought of what he’d done was proof enough of that. A better man would have gone straight to the woman he loved and confessed what he had done. Hell, a better man wouldn’t have done it in the first place. Cam had gone over it in his own mind a thousand times that night, trying to find the spot where he’d taken that first step over a line. Maybe it had been when he hadn’t told her to leave the moment she’d appeared, throwing accusations like darts at him. Maybe it had been when he had stepped away the first time she’d laid a hand on him. The small, weak voice in the back of his head had whispered that perhaps it had been the moment he’d decided to walk back into Catia’s life in the first place. That one had Lucky’s nagging tone. She could’ve been right, maybe Catia would’ve been better off without him in her life. It was only right to give her the choice whether he stayed now or not. He just had to go to her and lay out all the cards.

The frown that cut across Lottie’s face told him that he didn’t have long before she spilled to her sister. Cam’s gaze dropped away from hers, his mouth pinching into a thin line. ”Rip it off no matter the damage, hmm?” he muttered quietly. Her sister’s both seemed quite prepared to let him tear Catia apart, both probably just as prepared to sweep in to try and help her grieve afterwards. ”The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt Cat…” And he’d done just that, even if she didn’t know it yet. Lottie was right, waiting wasn’t going to make this any easier, in fact the wound would just cut deeper, the knowledge that the man she loved didn’t have the guts to admit his mistakes to her adding salt to it.

Trying to give Lottie his side of the story wouldn’t help one way or another. Lucky had gotten there first, whispering poison into her sister’s ear about him. Lottie had made her judgment, had given it to him with both barrels the second she’d laid eyes on him. It felt like he needed to though, speaking the truth to just one other person before he gave it to Catia. Perhaps she’d walk straight into his partner’s office afterwards and would lay out every word he’d told her. It was deserved, he had no argument against that, he could only hope that she wouldn’t.

Cam swallowed hard as he waited for Lottie’s answer, his gaze darting to his partner’s office door. If the light flicked off now, he’d be screwed. A sigh rolled out of him when Lottie muttered her agreement and sailed past him. He followed her, dragging a hand down his face as he walked in after her. She was hovering in front of his desk, obviously not looking to stay any longer than she had to. Like a puppet getting its strings cut, he sank down heavily into the chair behind his desk. ”I don’t know how much Lucky told you about what happened that night,” he started hoarsely. Frowning deeply, Cam ground his fingers into his eyes, unsure if he could look at her while he told his story. Too much of it was still crystal clear in his mind, the edges jagged as shattered glass slicing at him now.

After a moment he dropped his hand away and looked up at her. ”A man tried to hurt Catia at the hotel that night. That was entirely my fault. If I hadn’t have come to her, he’d never have been able to follow me here. Cat’s boss took care of him and sent me away. I didn’t take it well.” That was no excuse, no amount of alcohol should have left him that out of control. ”I went home and dealt with it by drinking. That’s no excuse. Neither was me being so angry at Lucky. We’re both to blame for what happened that night, we were both willing participants in the moment. We were fighting and things spilled over into getting physical.” In the moment he’d wanted to just shut her up. In a way that had happened, but he’d done so much more than clamp her mouth shut. ”I still love Catia. I want to make a life with her, but that all depends on if she can find it in her heart to forgive me for what I’ve done.” The chances of that felt like they were growing slimmer with every passing minute.

Tagged: LOTTIE CHRISTMAS * Word Count: 800