Pretending

Continuing to strut into what Hannya probably saw as her club was likely waving a red rag to a demonic bull. The first time she’d done it after Lawrence’s emotions had been switched back on, she’d expected Hannya to come charging out of the door that led downstairs. Blonde hair flying like, eyes glittering with malice, her hand extended, ready to punch its way back through her rib cage. That trick had forced Lawrence’s hand before, there was no guarantee it wouldn’t work again. The two of them would do anything to protect one another after decades of being separated. It only took one painted nail to have the weight of guilt they both carried tilting.

Determined not to cower from the bitch, or lose the time with her brother, she’d kept coming. Throwing her hair back, throwing drinks back, pretending that she wasn’t aware of the praying mantis lurking downstairs. Each time left Phoebe a little more comfortable. She wouldn’t grow complacent enough not to see Hannya when she inevitably came sniffing around again, but she would carry on with her old ways. Nights out steeped with enough shots to fell a small elephant. That buzz finally burning its way through her system the same way it had when she’d snuck her first bottle of liquor out into the woods as a teenager. At some point Krista would hit her wall with those drinks and her and Kitty would practically be carrying her out of there. This cocktail might’ve been that limit, but she’d caught sight of another figure on the edge of the dance floor before she could see how it had hit Krista.

Raik. Someone definitely took good for the cess pit the club could be. They’d practically met on this spot before his brother’s actions had caught up to them both and he'd ended up downstairs. The thought had a shiver running down her spine for just a second as she threw herself towards him. Looking stoic, he was handsome, smiling he could’ve had every girl in the place swooning, yet there he was, alone again. ”I guess when you work in one of the only other places you can get drunk in town, the pickings are slim,” Phoebe admitted with a chuckle. If Raik could get over the memories associated with this place, then she could definitely keep pushing them to the back of her mind.

Having a brother like Remzi probably didn’t give Raik much choice in where to go either. Like Lawrence, Remzi had a tendency to need watching. It was probably a relief not to be following him around for the night, protecting him from himself. ”And you’re out here on your own,” Phoebe finished for him. She kept one arm thrown around his neck as she twisted around to look. It was a wonder you could find anybody on the dance floor on a night like this. Everybody was crowded in there, letting the pounding music drive things like responsibilities and worries out of their head one note at a time.

Phoebe wished it was still doing the same for her as Raik as he asked after Lawrence. Of course, after their little road trip back home, Remzi had told his brother all about it. Her smile dimmed, one corner of her mouth trying vainly to lift. ”Better, thanks,” she said hoarsely. ”He didn’t have much choice in it happening. Some bitch forced him to do it. I’m just glad we managed to get him back.” If Lawrence hadn’t made that trip with Remzi, she probably wouldn’t have been able to use their mom’s bones to get him back in the end. ”He didn’t drag your brother into too much trouble, did he?” Rationally she knew that the two of them were probably as bad as one another, but without his emotions, Lawrence had been a loaded cannon, just wanting to blow and destroy who knew how many lives.

Tagged: RAIK DURMAZ * Word Count: 658

That whole opposites attract thing had always seemed like bullshit when she was a teenager. It had been hard to imagine Dotty ever breaking out of the valley to live in the big city, but she’d be all lit up, cheeks blushed, eyes twinkling when they’d sneak out in the middle of the night. It felt like she’d had one kindred spirit in Elk Valley at least. In another isolated wilderness, she’d hunkered down, ignoring her broken heart, minding her own business until Joshua had shown up. Phoebe knew she hadn’t deserved the kindness he’d shown her, but she’d let herself melt with it. Sharp edges falling away, genuine happiness taking the place of the heartbreak for a while. It hadn’t been so apparent that he’d maybe have lived decades longer, probably been happier with a wife and kids, until she’d been left holding onto his body, tears flooding down her cheeks as the life she’d built there had fallen apart.

For decades after she’d tried to bury the heartache by purposefully looking for people who were the total opposite. Never true assholes, but nobody who reminded her of Joshua. Men and women who were happy to share her bed without any real sort of commitment. Like a single blood bag, they satisfied for the short term. If a woman snacked enough she could get along, but some craving had remained, a draw pulling her towards men in Mystic Falls who were definitely too good for her. Then, bitch that she was, she walked away without a second word. Knowing that it protected them as much as it did her was cold comfort. Good men didn’t deserve to have their hearts toyed with.

It was a wonder someone else hadn’t already seen all of Raik’s virtues and wanted to wrap them up in a gold ring. Even though he was in a place like this, it was easy to see him as the sort of man who wanted a wife, a family, a white picket fence somewhere. He was a sweetheart, one who’d already lived through too many nightmares. It made you want to wrap him up and take him home to protect him, to bask in that light that seemed to emanate from him despite what he’d been through. Phoebe felt the warmth in Raik’s smile like it was the sun on her skin. She chuckled lightly, clucking her tongue as she shook her head. ”I doubt that. You seemed pretty graceful to me. Between me and you, most women are happy enough just to get wrapped up in a strong pair of arms and sway for a while.” It was more about those sensual little brushes of hands, feeling someone’s heartbeat close to your own, feeling the wash of their breath over your skin before their lips descended. Forget about ballroom, or the wild flinging of hands everywhere.

There was a comfort to Raik’s proximity now that was she was talking about what had happened to Lawrence. He might have been safe now, but that fear that the same thing could happen again still cut through her chest at least once a day. Some wouldn’t have understood that. Raik had his own vampire brother though, one who also seemed to be a magnet for trouble. Phoebe inched closer, her gaze following Raik’s finger as he tapped it against his temple. ”Grief is a powerful thing,” she said, her voice tight enough that she swallowed hard to try and ease it. ”Lawrence turned his emotions off because he didn’t want to lose me.” She’d been the one to put him into that position – another regret she’d have to live with now.

If Lawrence had dragged Remzi into a nasty situation that would’ve been on her too. Relief had the tension in Phoebe’s shoulders easier. She rolled her eyes, smirking over the mental image of exactly what it’d been like. ”It’s better not to picture it,” she assured him. ”Maybe they managed to cancel each other’s worst tendencies out.” Or maybe they were still things Lawrence hadn’t told her, regrets of his own buried deep down inside. Phoebe snorted lightly, her fingers trailing softly over the nape of Raik’s neck. ”That’s the understatement of the year. Lawrence at his worst would probably put Remzi in a distant second place. He was heartless and rude. I know it was just because of what he did, but … it wasn’t easy to live with. I guess you got all the sweetness in the family then?” The same definitely couldn’t have been said of her. When his emotions were on, Lawrence was the good sibling, the sweetheart.

Tagged: RAIK DURMAZ * Word Count: 714

It didn’t matter how much rhythm you had personally, with the wrong partner things would always feel off. That had been part of the problem when it came to Teddy. If it had been awkward or stilted, or the sex had been awful, she could’ve walked away without blinking an eye. Maybe there’d have been a conversation when Lawrence had made his reveal, one that would’ve stung Teddy’s ego, but she wouldn’t have felt as bad about it as she had. It was proof that she had a conscience, Phoebe supposed. A soft little core in a heart that had been forced to harden up. Guilt sat like lead in her chest, only washing away temporarily when she tried to drown it with cosmos and espresso martinis.

With Raik that rhythm had been easy to find, neither one of them expecting to draw out a single night into any sort of a relationship. At least it had seemed that way. Raik hadn’t blown her phone up with messages afterwards and it hadn’t been that kicked puppy look on his face when, fresh from his resurrection, they’d met again at Campbell’s. Just a little dance, so to speak, maybe some fond memories, and something that felt more like friendship than anything.

Phoebe’s smile took on a wicked little edge at Raik’s response. She swayed slightly then, slower than the song playing warranted. More than dancing could be fun that way – a gentle rock – and from what she remembered he was very, very good at that too. ”I’ve had plenty of practice,” she said lightly, swaying a little closer as though they were falling back into that rhythm again. ”I’m always up for a dance if you feel like one.” The offer was made from curled painted lips, a glimmer in her eyes under the spill of one of the shifting spotlights that raced over the floor. Raik wasn’t Teddy, the offer wouldn’t give him some sort of false hope of more than she was hinting at now.

Hope could damn you, tearing you apart inside before you realised it was pointless. It had been like that when she’d stepped into the cage with Hannya. She’d hoped that the fight would be enough to get the bitch to back off of her brother and she’d been so wrong. That one decision had cost her a friend, and she’d lost the Lawrence she knew for months. Each insult that had slipped out of his mouth in the tone she hadn’t recognised had cut deep. In the end, even though she hadn’t wanted to see her mom again, she’d put aside her heartache to do anything to get Lawrence back. ”Right. I’ve done the same,” Phoebe said hoarsely.

Her brows drew together faintly, concern leaving her studying Raik’s face. He had died, but he was still somehow on the outside of all this supernatural stuff. ”It’s not the same for us as it is for you,” she murmured, trying to reassure him. ”Everything is bigger, every feeling consumes you more than it did before. It’s hard to handle when you’re … young. I never thought to turn it all off, but I can understand why he might’ve wanted to.” When things were bad it was like you were being torn apart. Of course, that meant that the highs were all the better, but those lows could swallow you whole.

Having emotions you couldn’t handle – like an oversensitised toddler – wasn’t excuse for being a dick. It seemed as though Remzi had always fallen on that side of things. ”Maybe it was better they took care of each other then.” Her chuckle was low and warm, but it still felt like it caught in her throat. One corner of her mouth lifted higher with gratitude. ”I’d do it again, and again, if it means I get to keep him around. I spent too many years thinking I’d lost him forever.” The pain she’d felt since would never match up to that first heartbreak.

Humming lightly, Phoebe narrowed her eyes like she wasn’t entirely sure she believed Raik about Remzi’s sweetness. Still, she nodded, understanding. ”Just enough sweetness to stop him from coming off as a complete asshole.” She would’ve laid money on that sweetness keeping their mom from throttling her youngest son. Raik certainly got the silver tongue too and Phoebe beamed as he used it on her. She rose a little higher on her toes, pressing a kiss to his cheek. ”Thank you for that too. About eighty percent of both. Lawrence would probably argue it. I bet Remzi would too. Looks, charm, a good heart, you’re a real triple threat. How have you not been snatched up already?” Because maybe the universe knew she still needed a little of this occasionally. Phoebe turned her head slightly, sliding one hand to rest on Raik’s jaw as she pressed her lips to his, looking to drink down a little of the sweetness that just wasn’t the same as the cocktails she’d been drinking all night - far more satisfying than anything that could be mixed at the bar.

Tagged: RAIK DURMAZ * Word Count: 852

Dancing was tempting, but she hadn’t sweet talked him into it yet. Raik had probably always been the sort to resist temptation. Remzi was the kid who’d stolen half a dozen cookies before dinner, Raik the one who’d shake his head when one was offered up to him. Just like Lawrence probably would’ve done while she’d scoffed them down with a glass of milk, not caring if she left the evidence in a white moustache above her upper lip, crumbs still dotting her t-shirt when they’d sat down to dinner. Being turned had changed Lawrence and had made control slippery, but there were times when he definitely still felt like the well-behaved big brother. A good man, even if he couldn’t see it himself. She would’ve used the same description for Raik, something sweet and innocent radiating out from him despite the stuff that had happened to him here.

Phoebe returned his smile, suspecting she would succeed into pulling him into another dance if she dangled enough temptation. Last time it had been a slow, satisfying glide for both of them – she hoped. A night that had started out just like this one, with her arms thrown around his shoulders, that smile offering up the sort of fun that lasted until the sun crept up over the horizon. The sort that Teddy hadn’t understood in the way that Raik had.

If she could have swept the nightmares of what had happened between that first meeting and now from Raik’s memory with a brush of her fingertips, she’d have done it. He didn’t deserve what had happened, if pushed Phoebe might even have said that Remzi hadn’t deserved being turned either, although controlling his fate was probably far harder than Raik’s. One of them was a trouble magnet and the other definitely wasn’t. Phoebe felt faint echoes between herself and Remzi, although he seemed to have far more in common with Lawrence.

Shrugging lightly, Phoebe let one shoulder rise and fall. Raik didn’t seem the sort to push for answers and somehow she doubted Remzi could voice them if he did. It was hard to explain that you’d hated yourself enough not to want to feel it anymore, or how pain could cripple you. Or you were so terrified for someone you loved that you would do anything for them. Maybe Raik would understand that part after all. ”It can be hard to explain. All those huge feelings, it gets overwhelming.” And turning them on again was a thousand times worse. Phoebe swallowed hard at the memory of the way Lawrence’s walls had started to crumble. The angry man who’d stood in her kitchen, tearing down cupboard doors replaced like one who was shattered inside by what he’d done.

Grief could be like a tidal wave, washing your heart away, leaving the way wide open to make bad decisions, anything to stop the pain. Losing Lawrence had torn her heart wide open, the wound remaining there even when she’d learned that her parents had done. Phoebe felt the sting of it now and tried to swallow it down, tonight wasn’t meant to be about crying – it would’ve been a waste of those broad shoulders. ”I’m sure he knows,” she said softly. "Even when they’re dicks, brothers tend to know that you love them and would do anything for them. I hope you never have to feel what it’s like.” Remzi had though, when Raik was killed, and probably would again, even if it was in forty or fifty years.

The touch of Raik’s hand settling over hers had the pain disappearing back down inside. Who could be sad when that shiver worked its way through them? She’d felt those fingers before, and hands that were more delicate, working over her skin in a way that was so satisfying. Phoebe smiled as Raik did, that cat that got the cream look filtering over her face as Raik drew back. ”I’m not sure many could handle me for more than a few nights,” she chuckled. Teddy would have done, he’d wanted something more and like the coward she wouldn’t have admitted to being, she’d run, leaving him confused about the whole thing.

”Has anybody ever told you that you’re a wise man, Raik?” He’d hit the nail on the head in that soft, sweet way of his. Phoebe let her other hand slide down to take his, suddenly a little unsure of the next step. This wasn’t like with Teddy or the half dozen others she’d been with since she’d arrived in Mystic Falls, she wasn’t already throwing up the road blocks to prevent them getting any ideas, but she was pretty sure it wasn’t a path she was seeing with Raik ahead of this either. ”Mybe we should have that dance, see if we’re right for tonight at least. Not everything has to be forever, Raik, and I think deep down inside, you know what you want. You just have to find a way to ask for it.” God, she wanted to throw her head back and groan. Who was throwing up the road blocks now? All of that was from bitter experience and denying herself what she’d wanted had been what had left her right here in the first place, half imagining another man’s arms around her. What was wrong with her?

Tagged: RAIK DURMAZ * Word Count: 891

How much time had Lawrence spent blaming himself for her being turned after they’d reunited here? Nights spent wracking his brain for everything that he could’ve done differently to keep his little sister safe from the monsters that had already torn his life apart. She could have told him that none of it was his fault, if that lay with any of them in the valley, then it was with their parents, who’d cast their only son out when he’d been turned by those things. Not with Lawrence, but being told that you shouldn’t bear the burden of something like that was seriously fucking different to actually being able to shed that weight from your heart.

Guilt over Joshua’s death might’ve pushed her to flip her emotional switch if she’d actually known it had existed. Anything to stop the pain that felt like it had torn her in two. Phoebe doubted that there’d been a big love in Remzi’s life like that (he didn’t seem to have the smarts or the heart for it), but there were plenty of other things that could’ve overwhelmed him emotionally, including Raik himself. ”I’m sure he’ll tell you when he’s ready,” she assured him, her hand squeezing lightly in support. The thing was, even when you were the fuck up sibling, you knew you had someone to go to who would love and support you unconditionally and that was definitely Raik.

As a human, Raik already had that clock ticking on his life. It had already stopped once and the thought of it happening again squeezed something deep in Phoebe’s chest. Joshua might have died a few years before his time, but unless she turned him, risking changing the sweet man she’d known in the process, it would’ve happened eventually. Remzi didn’t seem made for deep thought, but his permanent loss of his brother must crossed his mind, especially after he’d lost Raik the first time. She didn’t want to think of it happening again. Her eyes burned, leaving her fluttering her lashes to chase back the tears that wanted to strike. ”It’ll break his heart,”{/b] she said softly, as Lawrence’s death had done hers, as Joshua’s had. As Teddy’s death would one day do to Lawrence if he didn’t choose to throw away a human length life with his son and become immortal. God, she wasn’t ready for any of it, Phoebe wasn’t sure she ever would be.

This wasn’t the place for sadness. The club was always loud music and exuberance, the pounding beat of life rippling through the crowd and she needed to tap into that instead of letting the conversation draw her down into something far more melancholy. As though he knew, Raik was piling on the compliments, until that part of her that always rose to meet flirtation was slipping up onto tiptoes. Dangling the chance of another night, Phoebe smirked as she heard Raik rising to it. ”I think that says more about you than me,” she murmured lightly. ”Capable hands, very capable lips.” The tickle of a beard, soft curls filling her hands as she’d anchored him right where he was … not curls, she reminded herself, mentally clucking her tongue. Raik had a thick head of hair, as long as he own and just right to hold onto, but it wasn’t the same.

She’d have curled a hand into it now, drawing his head back down to hers, but she was already drawing Raik into a dance, that sensual brush of her hips against hers as they wove their way towards the dance floor. ”She sounds like a smart woman.” Raik seemed fond of his mom in a way she wasn’t sure she could ever have been about her own. Raik wouldn’t understand parents that had been cold that way, unlike them and Teddy, Raik hadn’t grown up in a coven with all those expectations pressing down on them.

Listing all the ways she was more like Teddy (much to his disgust, she imagined) would’ve wasted up half the night. Why beat herself up about pushing away a man who would’ve slipped deeper with her if she’d given him half a chance when she had another, very willing partner in front of her? The feeling continued to twist in her chest though, even as she gripped up at him. Her hands slid up his biceps, that little thrill of anticipation shivering through her body. Phoebe rose up on her toes, the heels she always wore still not enough to put her level with Raik. He closed the distance, his hand warm on her neck, a needy little sound slipping out of her as she pressed herself against that broad chest. She hadn’t been bullshitting. He could’ve been right for tonight, but the punch of heat that had rushed through her the last time was more like a tickle this time. Still good, but not satisfying in the way it should’ve been. It didn’t rush down through her stomach to settle lower, where was that tingle of sensation that he could drive up to a satisfying, explosive peak.

Drawing back faintly, her lips still damp from the kiss, Phoebe looked up at him, confusion written all over her face. ”Sorry,” she murmured, chuckling before she shook her head. ”I was distracted. Let’s try that again.” She kissed him again, trying to chase the high that had come so easily the last time, but it didn’t feel as right this time. Raik was still hot as hell, his body any woman’s dream, but where was all of her pleasure that was supposed to come with it. Pulling back again, Phoebe frowned as she glanced down at herself. What the hell was happening? Had those cocktails been the absolute opposite of an aphrodisiac, leaving her numb? ”I … maybe this isn’t the place for this. Do you want to go back to my place?” Where she’d creep into the elevator, dreading the doors open and Teddy staring at her with confusion and disappointment on his face again instead of the smile she’d seen there that first time, the one she still wanted to see there again.

Tagged: RAIK DURMAZ * Word Count: 1027