Post by REMZI DURMAZ on Jan 17, 2022 16:32:12 GMT
━ like sisyphus pushing that rock uphill, or echo falling for a daffodil ━
November 10th, 2021
GUILT. IT STUCK ON him like glue, like that black, sticky shit from Spider-Man. Was he that now? The giant, evil alien thing? It felt like it.
He kept seeing their faces every time he closed his eyes. Raik’s: where he thought disappointment would lay, there was disgust in its place. Leah’s: betrayed, angry, disgusted. His mother’s when he woke up in the hospital: disappointed, worried━perhaps disgusted, too. He couldn’t even blame it on being a vampire; he’d been upsetting her since the moment he came into this world.
Disgust. It was what they felt while looking at him; his mom didn’t know what he was; she already thought he was a monster. Her own son.
He hadn’t meant to cause this. They all hated him, and he kept pushing away the blame until it got worse; built like a snowball on his heart until it weighed him so far down he knew he was destined for Hell. His mom could see it━it was why she dragged him to the Mosque every Friday and forced him to pray; it was why she hung the Nazar duası over his neck as if that would save him. It only now dawned on Remzi that, somewhere in her, she knew she wasn’t protecting him from the evils of the world━she prayed to protect Remzi from himself.
It was all him. Responsibility rested on his shoulders for what felt like the first time in his life.
He wondered what his dad thought. Probably the same.
Peering down at his new daylight ring, the one he’d picked up from that warlock in town, Remzi turned the band over and over, watching the lapis lazuli appear and disappear every few seconds. He could go anywhere now, and yet he was still sitting in his room, darkness shrouding everything that’d gone on last night. He was pretty sure the girl lying beside him was dead, just couldn’t focus long enough to check if she had a heartbeat.
Tears clouded his vision, forcing his fingers to quit their idle twisting and instead lift to cover his eyes, allowing a silent sob to shudder through his entire body. He knew what they thought of him, knew how awful he was, and yet he’d done it again. What did that red-haired bitch turn him into? A monster so evil that even his guilt couldn’t get in the way? Was he always like this? He didn’t care what his mother said or what prayers he repeated; nothing stuck, each time he left the Mosque, he’d go back to the very people whose encouragement put him in the hospital.
And was it really their fault? Nobody forced his hand. Remzi prided himself on being tall and strong, not easily moulded by others.
When he licked his lips, he could still taste a drop of blood he’d left behind. Without hesitation, Remzi scraped every bit of what was left, using his teeth and tongue and fingers, savagely gathering it all as if he hadn’t already drained her. Soon he tasted his own tears, and that was enough to have him retching, turning on his side with his back to the woman. He didn’t even know her name. He didn’t know the names of those two girls from Halloween, either.
Remzi was disgusted at himself. Fucking revolted. He was awful; there was no adequate comparison to draw up━he didn’t know anybody this shitty.
It was an onslaught at first. More of the same feelings, more tears, overwhelmed by his actions in Mystic Falls and before. He relied on the one woman who wanted to bring out the worst in him; he’d grown comfortable at her side, heart opening when it shouldn’t have. And if Leah was so terrible, then why washe was the one to betray her? Raik hated her more than any of Remzi’s human friends, so what did that say about Remzi?
The constant repetition led him to only one conclusion.
It burned in his stomach and his throat, and he let out a real, unfiltered cry━just one━before the wave came. It was warm, stilling, and suddenly he didn’t mind anymore. The guilt vanished, as did the disgust and everybody’s faces. Let them look down on him━he didn’t care.
Turning onto his back again, Remzi grumbled and touched his cheeks, making a displeased sound at the dampness on his digits. The girl next to him stirred, catching his attention almost immediately. She hummed and groaned tiredly, heartbeat slow and barely there.
Who was he to waste a meal?
Turning into her, Remzi slipped one arm around her middle, the other hand cradling her head. He brought her in quickly, consuming what was left before shoving her lifeless body onto the floor. The thudding was just that: a meaningless sound.
Or, perhaps it did have a meaning: satiation━for the time being, of course.