Post by DOMINIC PHENDER on Dec 27, 2021 17:50:29 GMT
━ don't fucking tell me what's impossible ━
December 23rd
THERE WAS MORE PAIN. Never-ending, creasing through his blood and his bones, threatening to tear Dominic open and feed on his insides.
He couldn’t remember last Christmas. It felt like this was his first without Noah, since last year had been a whirlwind he couldn’t sustain. This year he’d be with Frank again and forced into some social situation he couldn’t handle. A wedding. At Christmas. For… Frank’s brother who was supposed to be dead. Nobody could explain how he was suddenly back again, at least not to Dominic, and all he felt from it was more aching. Sure, they didn’t have a baby together, but he needed Noah like he needed oxygen, and there wasn’t anybody more deserving than his Noah, so why didn’t he get to come back? Why was it everyone else who got happy fuckin’ lives? Was he cursed? ‘Cause apparently other shit existed, like, weird shit he couldn’t even begin to comprehend, so curses could be real, too. Why the fuck not?
Nearing the headstone, Dominic carefully stepped around the plot and sank to the cold ground. It was wet with snow, though he ignored how it soaked through his jeans. “Hey, baby. Happy Birthday.” The words caught in his throat and tore out with a soft cry just before the tears arrived. He wanted to come at Christmas, too, but who knew when he’d get released from the wedding━and who knew how fucking empty he’d feel after witnessing all that shit.
Leaning back against the edge of the headstone, Dominic tried to imagine the hard, cold stone was Noah’s chest, and that he could rest against it as he always had. “Know you hate your birthday, but I love you, so you gotta put up with it.” Dominic chuckled softly, only a speck of genuine humour laced through it. “Got you flowers. Didn’t know what… whatever. Ain’t like you can have ‘em, anyway.” He huffed out a breath, defeated, and dropped the bouquet at the base of Noah’s headstone. The corner of it dug into his spine, and he shifted against it, wrapping his arms around himself.
“Didn’t think I could last three seconds without ya, man, but it’s been a year an’...” And he hadn’t felt alive for a moment of it. “I miss you so fuckin’ much. Amy’s ‘round now, wish you could meet ‘er. She says she knew ya way back when, but still.” He paused, then managed a smile. “I’m sure you were funny lookin’ as a kid. All pale an’ gangly an’ shit. Wish I coulda known you then.” Wish we woulda had more time.
“Dunno if you moved on. Ain’t seen you in a while, but it… I dunno. I wish you were here, but I hope you’re at peace or whatever. Don’t want ya t’haveta hover around here forever.” But Dominic would pretend Noah was there, listening, because it made him feel better. Surely it didn’t help whatsoever in the long run, but he liked it for now. He sniffled and rubbed at his nose, then looked down at the ring on his finger and twisted it idly.
“Frank’s brother’s gettin’ hitched. Didn’t think this state could get any more hick-y, but we’ve gotta head down to a fuckin’ farm an’ shit for it, which seems so fucked. Frank an’ his brother grew up in Japan so, like, they ain’t like that, y’know? Gotta be Frank’s almost-sister-in-law who’s the redneck. They got a kid.” Blue eyes, the colour only intensified by his tears, shifted sideways to find where Noah’s name was carved into the stone. “She’s a cute little fucker. Frank keeps callin’ me Uncle Dom an’ I dunno how they feel ‘bout it, but…” He shrugged, embracing that familiar bubble of heat in his belly. It didn’t quite reach or mend the scores in his chest, but it did something. “Feels kinda good, y’know? I wanted all that shit with you, and I ain’t gonna get it now, so it’s nice bein’ a part of somebody else’s shit. Ain’t like Amy’s gonna pop out a kid anytime soon.” He’d probably kill whoever knocked her up, too.
He didn’t know what the point of this was. What did he have to say? Was Noah even listening? It wouldn’t change jack shit, it wouldn’t raise Noah from the fucking dead, but he couldn’t let go. If he was here, it was like he was keeping Noah alive through his memory, and that’s all Dominic wanted.
“I love you. I ain’t never gonna stop. Even when I leave this world, man, it’s jus’ gonna be comin’ home t’you. We’re only gonna be apart for a bit, right? Just a little bit an’ then it’s gonna be okay again. ‘Cause I’m gonna get you back, and then…” His throat felt strained and tight. Nothing was going to be okay━he’d have to go through his whole life all alone, desperate for a dead man whose arms he’d only feel if there was a life after this one. Noah’s death gave him hope in something, just a spark of belief, because what the fuck else was there?
Dominic turned his head into the stone, nuzzling his winter beanie in as if he could get comfortable, still chasing this lie. “I gotta go soon. Gotta help Frank with a bunch of shit an’ see if I still got a suit that fits, but I’m gonna sit with you for a bit, aight? ‘Cause… today’s yours, an’ I know you didn’t have a lot of good birthdays growin’ up, so I wanna…” He puffed, defeated. “You get it, man.” But Noah just wanted to hear it━all he’d ever wanted was for Dominic to tell him, and if Dominic couldn’t even do it now, then what fucking good was he? So, he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and tried again. “So I wanna be here for you on your birthday an’ make sure you know you were always loved, an’ still are, even after you’re gone. You’re my everything, an’ that ain’t never gonna change. I promise.”