Post by DESTINY BACCARI on Mar 18, 2021 16:22:56 GMT
━ i'll stay awake at night with just my skin and bones ━
I wish I had the guts to say this to your face.
But the past five years took everything I had and ripped it out of me.
You used to make me feel like I was something, now you make me feel like absolutely nothing.
“I don't blame you for what you did.”
“Why the fuck would you? I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I know. I’m just sayin’, I don’t… Look, I’m sorry. Do you need anything? You still in Mystic Falls or━”
Her hands started to shake. Deren had been good in the end. He’d helped, sending her money when she asked, and even supported her story during the trial, but that didn’t mean she wanted him to know where she was now. If she was going to heal, and that was the whole point of this trip, she needed to separate herself from all of this. From all of them.
“━No. I moved. I don’t want…” She swallowed hard. It felt like she was losing a piece of herself. The fresh scars on her stomach ached, but it wasn’t as bad as the feeling when they were shown to the jury as evidence. Put on display as a testament to the monster he had been━still was.
Even it was like chopping off an arm, it was the best thing she could do for herself. And she had to do what was right.
“… I don’t want you to call me anymore. Or text me, or anything like that.”
“But━”
“I know you’ve been nice in the past year or so. I know you’ve been doing everything you can to help me out, and I seriously appreciate that.” She took a slow, shaky breath. “But it doesn’t change who you were then, or what you did. I don’t want any more contact. He’s your best friend, Deren. I know you visit him. I’m not doing this to myself anymore. It’s hard enough hearing you on the fucking radio all the time. I just can’t…” Her words broke off into a sob, and she felt fucking helpless. That’s what they always did━they made her feel worthless, and it wasn’t fair anymore. She wasn’t going to keep putting herself through it.
“You know he’s sorry, right?” She should’ve hung up right then and there. She should’ve pulled the phone away and ended the call, but she kept hanging on, waiting for that kernel of information about him. For scraps. “He asks about you all the time, Des. He said how shitty it was but that he just fuckin’ loves you and━”
She remembered walking into the courtroom and seeing him there. Even with the bandages on her abdomen, wounds from him, she’d tried to go to him. It was pathetic. She’d cried when he’d mouthed the words ‘I love you’. For the first time, though, she didn’t fully believe him. Destiny was learning. It was what brought her to Detective Skinner.
When she’d been with Tanner, she was just a kid with nowhere to go and didn’t know any better. By the time of his trial, she’d lived another life━one without him. Destiny knew what she could do on her own, that she didn’t need him like she always thought she did. Though they hadn’t gone anywhere, dates with other men always proved to Destiny that a relationship didn’t need to be how Tanner convinced her they did.
She didn’t need this. And she didn’t need Deren perpetuating this bullshit.
Destiny hung up. Her phone stayed in her trembling hands, and she finally turned it off after the second time he tried to call back.
She’d loved him. She truly had, and maybe he’d loved her in the only way he knew how. It didn’t make it right, and she knew she’d never find herself in a situation like that again, but Destiny knew Tanner had loved her. Maybe not at first or enough, in the end, to let her go, but he loved her in the moments they’d shared where everything was still. She hoped so, at least.
When something's fallen apart as many times as us,
I can't put it back together, it's not the same.
I can't put it back together, it's not the same.
You're living proof that we don't always get what we deserve.
‘Can I buy you a drink?’
Destiny glanced up at the man next to her, surprised for a moment before she smiled. It was some outdoor tiki bar, the air still incredibly cool, even at night. She’d nodded, accepting his proposal with a soft laugh and an offering of her name. He was nice; he’d listened to her all night, and provided interesting conversation. A good back-and-forth, somebody she clicked with.
They danced together, other couples gyrating around the beach’s platform, sand kicked onto the tiles. She’d stepped around gingerly, making sure her bare feet didn’t get crushed. His arms around her, encircling her tiny frame, lips teasing at her neck. Destiny had lost herself in the moment, finally deciding to let go of it all━before she’d glanced at his shoulder and saw concealer smudged on it. She found the spot on her arm where it’d wiped off, the word that was carved into her just barely peeking out. They weren’t angry and red anymore, thanks to multiple treatments, but she could see them, and that was enough for Destiny.
She thanked him for the drink and the company, and went back to her hotel.
He brought her to a party a few nights later. The scene in a dark corner of the house made the surface-level burning, and the trembling, return. She tried to flee again, but he’d taken her hand and dragged her into an empty room instead. He sat with her, held her, undressed her. Destiny remembered wishing he wouldn’t see them, that the shadows cast from the moonlight, draping in through the window, would provide some sort of shield for her scars. He didn’t say anything, and she’d thought it worked before catching sight of her body. Even in the glow of the moonlight, her skin was blemish-free and scarless. It was perfect.
Destiny didn’t need to rely on anybody else to make her feel better. She drank less, and left her company where she’d found them━at the bar. Hundreds of dollars were saved on makeup, though━her newfound ability was especially handy, especially in the tropical climates where she felt like her skin was going to melt off her body.
But you're really nothing special.
Sometimes she still missed him. He was her first experience of romantic love. He’d been there in her developmental years, instrumental to the way she’d grown up.
Sometimes she hated him so much that she couldn’t fucking breathe. She remembered when she was sick and he’d left her alone with his friends. She remembered when it felt like he didn’t give a shit about anybody but himself. Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he’d never care about anybody else.
It wasn’t her problem anymore. Never should have been, but there was no space in her heart for regrets.
Destiny let him go. She let go of the memories, good and bad. She let go of the time she’d met his mom, and the way her house smelt of cigarettes and dust, hundreds of collector’s teacups lining the walls. She let go of the things that weren’t in the past, but instead were dreams she’d had of him━of them. Of starting a family, as if children would suddenly change who he was.
It didn’t mean she never thought of him, or that he was out of her mind forever, never creeping back in at the oddest of times. But she did her best to make sure he couldn’t hurt her anymore, even from thousands of miles away and behind the bars of his cell, where he’d stay for the rest of his life.
Destiny was in control of her life now. This was up to her.
You’ll always be hidden in the basement of everything I love.