Kickstart Our Hearts

Sixteen years ago he’d been the one to walk. Ignoring that hand desperately held out to him, wanting to go back and take it only when he was the man Toni had married. It’d been the actions of a broken man, one who couldn’t see anybody but who he’d been, as though that had been all his wife had loved. By the time he’d come to his senses and had come back, the pieces of him ground down even further, she’d been gone. Now, whether it was wise or not, Marc had his own hand extended. Was begging get to work in the end or would this be a glacially slow shift towards trust come back. The love had never gone, it’d been inscribed in every bone of his body too deeply for that, but maybe for Toni that was all tied into the trust. He’d seen his life in her eyes and knew that the love that had been there wasn’t gone for good.

That didn’t stop the nerves though. He was practically pacing them out in Campbell’s parking lot, nerves firing rifle fast under his skin. Deep breathing, distraction, nothing really worked for long – his healing had never involved that meditative psychobabble stage that the army’s therapists would maybe have tried steering him towards. His way had only ever been out and through. Maybe he shouldn’t have applying that mantra to a date.

Marc huffed out a breath, resisting the urge to tug his phone out of his pocket and check it again. Nothing from Toni to cancel. Nothing from his daughter either, the background scatter of worry for her bleeding through everything else. Ria was going to be fine with her parents taking a night out, maybe more than fine if this went well and they were one step closer towards being the family Ria deserved, that he desperately wanted.

Those nerves kicked mule hard in the pit of his stomach as he recognised the car pulling into the lot. One relief at least, Toni hadn’t backed out by standing him up – not that she likely ever would. There’d have been a phone call, her voice measured so not as to set him off, or a carefully worded text message. Possible outcomes now struck off the list his brain had drafted a dozen times since she’d lost and had been roped into this night together.

His smile softened around the edges as he realised that the fear wasn’t his alone, even if Toni’s was focused more on Ria being out of their sight tonight. One brow rose with the corners of his mouth. ”So it was every five minutes?” he asked lightly, knowing he’d been just as guilty. It took him a second to pull back as he kiss her cheek. All those years ago it would’ve been a full kiss, the separation of the two of them even for just a few days needing that familiarisation when he got back again. The man he’d been on mission starting to vanish as he’d felt his wife’s arms around him.

With his hand lingering on her elbow, Marc felt himself anchored there. Like every ounce of reassurance was in that touch. Ria would be fine, they both knew it, but without the man who’d taken her being behind bars yet, it was impossible to believe it whole heartedly. ”You did everything to keep her safe. I’m sure she knows it.” And he was sure that if Ria needed either one of them tonight, even for something as small as he own reassurance, she wouldn’t hesitate to use that phone. All he could hope was that his daughter wasn’t dwelling onit all tonight the way her parents had been.

Slowly letting his hand fall away, Marc turned back towards the porch steps at Toni’s nudge. The corner of his mouth lifted as he headed up the stairs ahead of her, at the top he tugged the door open with one hand and held the other out to her. ”You want me to take the keys just in case?” he joked. Even in the early days it wouldn’t have mattered how much he drank, he wasn’t like Toni, the ability to switch his healing on and off wasn’t there, alcohol was little more than water to his system. Heading in, Marc drifted towards the bar, although he imagined the bar staff floating around would be happy enough to offer table service once they settled in. ”What would you like?” he asked, looking back to Toni. He wasn’t about to make assumptions, the world had changed in all that time they hadn’t been together.

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Nerves weren’t such a huge thing when you were a young man, still feeling invincible. They didn’t bite hard enough in your gut to leave you feeling like you should double over. He’d been cocky walking into his first date with Toni instead, confident, sure in the fact that they already knew enough about one another to make it easy. Some part of him still knew her, but now there were just as many parts of him even he couldn’t recognise. Marc forced himself to steady as his lips brushed his ex-wife’s cheek. He’d cracked those shields open the day in the park, Toni had seen some of what he was hiding from even himself and she’d still come tonight. That had to hold some promise, even if it wasn’t the sort that was going to take them back to just where they’d been all those years ago.

What he wouldn’t have given for another barbecue at her parents place. Half the team scattered around, her brother slugging him in the shoulder before he’d passed over another beer. Everything easy, everything happy … everything without Ria. There was no dialling the clock back without losing what they’d found in those years apart and hell, he wasn’t about to do that. His daughter was the best thing he had in a life still lived on boggy ground.

His worries would knot his gut up later, his eyes drifting to his phone as often as Toni’s did. They still had no guarantee of her safety, but the part of him that had remained one hundred percent sane (and occasionally ignored) through all of this knew that they couldn’t live in constant fear. He’d been there and didn’t want to go back. Marc chuckled lightly, the tightness remaining in his throat, keeping that one point of contact. ”Let’s see if we can stretch it out a little, before she gets tired of messaging back that she’s fine without us…” That was something he was sure Toni wouldn’t believe right now, not until the razor sharp edges of the memories of what had happened started to dull. It might take years, but it would happen in the end – he was walking proof of that after all. Roll up, roll up, come see the healing man.

Dark brows furrowed with that temptation to draw her in and wrap her in his arms, reassuring in a gesture he wasn’t a hundred percent sure Toni would accept. His thumb skimmed up and down her bicep instead, his fingers flexing just enough to let her feel the squeeze. ”You can’t always shake it. You learn to live with it and eventually it starts to fade. Hey!” There was no real bite to the word, just an emphasis to cut off that thought. Marc did draw her in a couple of inches then, looking down into those eyes he could still get lost in. ”You’re not being ridiculous, you’re being a good mom. You care and that makes all the difference in the world.” When you were a lost kid and looking for reassurance. He’d seen the look in his own mom’s eyes, eclipsed rapidly by grief when his father had abjured him from the pack. She’d known then that her son wasn’t coming back, even if he wanted to. He’d made his choice and it hadn’t been the pack, hadn’t been his family. This time was different, his family was his choice.

The end of the night was hours off, but Marc was determined to make it to that finish line in one piece tonight. Some part of them recaptured in the hours they spent together – no weapons fire to leave that bow string at the heart of him twitching, no heavy confessions or life altering decisions. Just the two of them with the balm of alcohol and dinner – not that the former would do anything to either one of them. Toni’s chuckle had his smile slanting further, his head shaking as she turned down the offer. ”Just slip them to me later if you need to, the offer’s staying open.” His fingers took a moment longer to curl back into his palm, but then he was leading the two of them inside.

At home in the place for now – business wasn’t always conducted in people’s homes and he’d been here long enough to search out the places he could find those crutches he’d been almost desperate for then – Marc led the way to the bar. ”Some things never change,” he murmured, remembering the bottle they’d shared on that last night. Heat burned in his throat suddenly, the apology corked up behind it. Marc cleared his throat as the bartender appeared. ”A glass of the house red and a beer … whatever’s on tap, please.” She nodded, immediately turning away to pour as he leaned back into the bar. ”We can always get a cab back … if we need it.” Like they were heading to the same place. Marc made a small sound in his throat as he realised how it sounded. He lifted a hand, scratching at the back of his neck. ”They do some pretty decent food … if you wanted to check out the menu later maybe?” When he didn’t feel like he was staggering through this, unsure of his footing. Once upon a time there hadn’t been an ounce of this awkwardness between them, now it felt like it was all they had outside of their daughter.

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Toni had gone back to her parents after she’d left him, the family gathering around that new, precious life. Marc could imagine there hadn’t been much judgment there, their son had been military, they’d have felt their own lives shatter in part when they’d lost him. In a way the divorce wasn’t much different, a part of them had been cut away and the little pink bundle that had arrived months later had been a way of growing something to replace it all. They’d probably have encouraged Toni to go out in the end, to take some time to herself, but it had to have been worse than this. Panic cutting in hard at the idea of leaving something so small and fragile alone.

Those old fears were back, new ones for him without those first years to fall back on like getting back on a bike after a sixteen year break. Amusement tugged harder at his lips, his smile growing as Marc nodded. ”I guess we better do what she asked then. She’s gonna be fine.” They were gonna be fine, and if they weren’t, they could cut the night short. He’d understand if they had to, Ria was everything now after all.

That near loss of her had terrified Toni, him too once he’d learned every horrifying detail of it. No matter how long it had been since they’d got her back, the scars would remain. Like they would’ve done physically, they’d fade with time, but for now it was all red and raw, raised enough that it only took the slightest brush of a wrong word or some tiny odd circumstance to trigger a reaction. Toni might have been an expert at picking apart people’s psyches, but he had far more experience with trying to avoid those triggers. He poured that into his reassurance, his lips curling faintly in an echo to her smile. In time they were both going to be alright. Ria too.

Inside, it was easier to set their daughter aside for a little while. Alcohol and conversation would eventually work those worries away like a massage easing sore muscles. Marc felt the little twinges of those particular muscles as he ordered for the two of them. He’d been wrong, of course, so much had changed since the last time they were like this. So much more would hopefully change with time. Marc studied his wife as she slipped onto a stool, nodding back slowly at her agreement. Those were the little details they’d work out after. Another step away from where they’d been, maybe back towards where they had been.

The thought seemed to have been in Toni’s mind too. He froze as she spoke, he’d seen her tuck her hands away, those nervous little gestures suddenly squelched. He dropped his hand, flattering it on his abdomen like that would stop him. ”I thought that was where we were trying to head,” he said lightly. He straightened up though, drawing in a breath as he reached out to settle a hand on her forearm. ”I definitely want to. Tonight was meant to be about … alright, let’s let go of these nerves.” That was easier said than done, but he was drawing in another breath, letting it out slow before he smiled at her. Warmer this time, steadier. If she could try and go back to who she’d been then, so could he.

With the tension cut free and food on the table for later, Marc reached for his beer as the bartender set it on the bar. He took a sip, the smile becoming a smirk as Toni’s glance around fixed on the dartboard. Marc followed the tilt of her head, letting out a sigh before he laughed. ”You’re a sucker for punishment, you know … first the range, now darts. You want to put a wager on this too or is that tempting fate?” He slid a couple of bills across the bar for the drinks before he started towards the board, one hand wrapped around his glass, the other reaching for hers. Oh yeah, he was up for this.

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Was this how it would’ve been if Toni hadn’t shut him out entirely when he’d got home? Tentative meetings that slowly grew back towards they’d been, the roots of their relationship strengthening before Ria shrieked her way into the world. He’d have put the work in to make it happen, anything to keep his family together when it had threatened with being torn apart entirely. It was a question Marc shouldn’t have been burdening himself with given the rabbit hole his brain tried to go down whenever he started to question himself. He had a second chance here and that was something he needed to focus on, even if they didn’t end up right back where they’d been those sixteen years ago.

The nerves wouldn’t have been there if this had been then. Those had grown in the years since, as he’d realised just how much he had to lose now – no, how much he’d been given again. He’d have been confidant, automatically ordering that wine for Toni – at least before he’d known that she was carrying that tiny life inside of her. Now everything he did was tentative, at least until Toni had snapped and gotten him to open his eyes.

Letting the air out on a long breath, Marc reached for his own drink. The beer went down easy, greasing the wheels for the rest of his confidence to return. His eyes narrowed faintly at her, despite the grin that still lit up his face. ”Maybe I got some practice in,” he said glibly. Not enough that it would matter now. He’d stayed out of places like this for a long time, trying not to be the sort of situations that might kick off an episode – including spots that could erupt into the sort of fights he’d either flee from or throw himself into without enough sanity clinging on to stop him from going too far. ”I’d say I’d lay a bet on me coming out top again, but that’s how we ended up here in the first place.” And he absolutely wasn’t gonna complain about that.

With his beer in one hand, he offered his other to Toni, drawing her across the bar to a two top besides the darts board. Marc took another long sip of his beer before he set it down and settled down on a stool to watch Toni pluck the darts from the holder and walked up to the line. ”I’d say a family night away, but that would probably big enough to make this a double or nothing bet.” He wasn’t sure whether or not that was a step too far too. Toni had been so good about giving him as much room as he wanted to spend with Ria so far, but days where it was all three of them together were still rare.

Marc lifted his chin towards the board, encouraging her to take her first shot. He’d have held out longer, waiting to see just how rusty his ex-wife was at the game before he settled on something, but that was too obvious a move. ”How about we start with a family dinner – at my place. I’ll cook for both of you. I learned a few things over the years. Ria even showed me how to make your mom’s relish. Maybe we could even get a grill? Make it like the old days.” Only Toni’s family wouldn’t be there this time – her brother holding court at the drinks table, his laughter rumbling through the air, her dad manning the grill, her mom piling that extra spoonful of relish onto his burger before he could even ask for it. The memory of it was enough to have an ache building in his chest.

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”I recall you were pretty good at a lot of things,” Marc murmured, his grin softening with reminiscence. He wasn’t about to admit how many times he’d let Toni win in those early days. Even when you were wearing a uniform you didn’t attract someone by winning every single time. You were subtle, you lured them in with the charm and your reputation, and you gave way a little bit every single time. You made them feel special, showed real pride when they wiped the floor with you (even if you grumbled a little while y0u did it). God, he wanted that back. The slow steps they’d been taking – not necessarily to end up back together, but together – had given him a taste of it and he wanted more of this the way a man in a desert wanted water.

His throat burned with the want of it even as Marc tilted his head at her warning, his smile lingering. Sure wasn’t something he could be about most things these days, but for things like this he went all out and although he wasn’t in uniform anymore, he still gave everything his all. Marc’s lips pursed, a soft snort buzzing between them. ”We’re out together for a night, I’d say that’s not much different to Ria being here with us. It’d just be one night, maybe to the beach.” A break from the town that was still laced with bad memories for their daughter – although not as much as he old home.

Hope continued to burn in his chest, hotter than the wash from that first mouthful of beer, as he urged Toni to throw first. He bent in a half box, winking at her as he straightened up. When they’d first started dating he’d tried to keep up that perfect gentleman act, not wanting to do anything that might jeopardise things. At the end he was still trying, although his grip on it all was far more slippery.

Marc pushed the memories aside, not wanting them to colour anything tonight. This wasn’t the time for a step back. He’d grip onto his life with both hands, digging in his claws to make sure that neither his daughter or his ex-wife had to see him take that fall. Sipping from the beer, he watched Toni throw, mock wincing with each dart that she landed in the triple 20. She was really going in for the kill and even without the supernaturally enhanced eyesight, she was managing it. He was gonna have a fight on his hands.

Maybe throwing out the idea of a family dinner as their next tiny step right before she threw was playing dirty, but he wanted it, just like he’d wanted this time together tonight. He hadn’t anticipated the look that filled Toni’s eyes for a heartbeat before she threw again. Outer bull. He’d rattled her and was almost choking out an apology when she managed to laugh. Marc felt his heart squeeze in his chest, his breath coming short for a moment. ”She wanted me to have a taste of home,” he said lightly. One that he’d been cut off from by the worst choice he’d ever made in his life. Ria hadn’t seen the tears that had burned into his eyes after she’d shown him. Even if he never became a part of their family in the same way that he’d been before, he’d still have that memory.

There was the faintest trace of them now, the squeeze coming again in his chest as he laughed. Marc rubbed his knuckles under his nose, grinning at Toni. ”I couldn’t help but love the stuff. It moved down to number two on the list after you fell for me though. It’s number three now.” Ria had swept the entire rest of what had been an incredibly short list aside when he’d walked into that sheriff’s office. ”I was just going on his promise of the best relish I'll ever have tasted in my life when I said I'd go with him.” It was just a bonus after that first trip home with him though. Yes, that was a yes. The tightness in his chest shattered. There was no way Ria would say no to having her parents there together. ”We’ll make a Sunday night maybe. Ria won’t have school, you, hopefully, won’t have work.” And maybe the universe would give them a chance.

Setting his beer aside, Marc stood and took the darts from her. Maybe either way they’d get their dinner, but winning was the surest way to it. ”You sure you don’t want to just give in and agree to it now?” he asked lightly. One corner of his mouth lifted into a confident, slanted grin, but there was a tremor in the pit of his stomach as he lined up and threw the first dart. Triple 20 – two could play that game after all. He shifted just a half inch on the line, considering his next shot for a moment before threw his second dart. Another triple 20. A dart sprang from either side of that tiny wedge. Did he risk it and try and go down the middle of the two of them? You betcha. Letting out a long breath, Marc threw, for just a second it looked as though he was gonna get it, but the second the thud of dart hitting board sounded he saw that it was just on the wrong side of the wire. A plain old 20. He was already five points down as he mutely approached the board and plucked them out to offer them to Toni.

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The fact that Toni hadn’t agreed yet was telling. Silence from his wife had never been a good thing and Marc had found himself learning that too late. He couldn’t say if her screaming at him not to go that last time would’ve worked, maybe he’d have been beyond that, but it would’ve been far harder to ignore than the quiet pleas for him not to throw everything away. It hadn’t been until afterwards that he’d really heard what was in those murmured words. Now Marc realised that the suggestion to take a couple of nights out as a family might’ve been stepping over a line. Everything had been small, measured steps so far, giving both of them the chance to be sure before they moved forward again. Like he’d always done he was trying to turn that steady slog into a run.

He tried to warn himself to slow down as he watched Toni throwing a score that would likely render the whole point moot anyway. Marc set his glass down and held both hands up at her warning, as though he was already having to fend his former mother-in-law off. She might have wanted to go for his throat even if she’d once welcomed him into their family with open arms – he had left his wife and unborn daughter alone after all. ”I won’t share it with another soul,” he promised. ”That’d just mean having to share it with somebody else and we both know I don’t do that.” It had touched him more than he ever could’ve believed as Ria had shown him how to make it. No matter what had happened, he still had something of his old life left – and the people he loved with everything he had were right there too.

Even without the relish he’d have taken up the next invite to head home with his buddy and see his family again. It was more than burgers or the welcome from his parents. It had been Toni and the smile that had hit him so hard the first time it had come his way. Telling her brother that had almost ended up with a fist to the face, but even he’d seen that this wasn’t just about some momentary fun that would end the minute they were deployed again. Marc’s grin broke off with a chuckle. ”What can I say, it’s the best relish I’d ever had…” And was the most incredible woman he’d ever met, that trumped everything until he’d found out about his daughter. He tapped a hand against his heart like he was accepting the forgiveness. It stayed there, flattening, as he realised that only one out of the two of them would be called away for a work emergency now. ”We’ll turn off our phones, leave them at home if we have to.” Ria was a teenaged girl, she’d never let hers out of her sighter. They wouldn’t have an emergency that needed one anyway, this was all about positive thinking.

Marc tried to hold onto that positivity as he took his turn to throw, but any hope he had of already taking a leave was dashed with that third throw. He hung his hung, letting out a laughing groan before he walked up to pluck the darts from the board. Dark brows rose as he approached Toni with them in hand. ”Maybe?” he asked, amusement still tugging at the corners of his mouth. ”After that throw I’d say you should think of something for when you win.” It wasn’t the first time he’d have come back from a loss though, was it? The thought tightened his throat for a moment before he let the feeling bleed away. These days he tried not to let himself wallow in that grief, because that was a quick way down a slippery slope. ”All depends on what you want the most,” Marc told her with a shrug. His dark eyes were drifting from her eyes, down to her mouth, to the darts in Toni’s hands and back up. Small steps, he warned himself. ”You could act like you’re blowing out candles and keep it to yourself ‘til you win?” A secret held just in case it never came true. God, he knew about those.

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